Now I finally know what happens when you're so shag out. Words coming out of your mouth ain't what you're going to say, you starting falling asleep while doing fast march, you mind seems to have blank out and you're juz doing things like a mindless zombie. That's what I felt today totally. And accumulate of 12 click route march followed by SITest which was continued by a 16 click route march with lotsa shit inbetween is really leeching out all the energy that's left of me. Frankly speaking, I'm totally exhausted now. Haha...but having about less than 24hrs on this bookout makes me not wanna waste time sleeping it away. Maybe juz a while off before I collaspe into bed.

No time for myself. Had to learn this dance move and teach my drill com on mon coz of the creative suggestion by my CSM. Haha, he's a good and funny guy. Creative's the word. Took my own initiative to get this dance rite and tell him about it on the next book in so maybe our last minute drill team may stand a chance. Haha. Sometimes really think back and wonder, what the hell am I doing all this shit for when others are having their admin time while I'm sweating like fuck under the hot sun doing drills. Perhaps it's the sense of satisfaction and maybe glory if we managed to get something or I juz feel like wanting to do something for our company. Don't know lah, I juz seems to forget all the shit of this whole meaning thing when my mind is burnt by the sun.

Haha...I like to laugh or juz give a smile to somewhat forget the pain my body in having and let my mind drift off away to another paradise.

Can means can, cannot means cannot, don't talk so much cock. Pain is Temporary, Glory is forever. Impossible is for wussies. Nothing is impossible with the will to fight on.

Humm...finally...the long weekend is here. Haha, surprising, going to book in tomorrow, which is like so fast eh? Like I said, starting to feel more and more detached to my platoon. It's juz me or maybe, so people are juz lacking in the attitude. I don't have the perfect attitude either so I shouldn't be in any position to critise others. I juz shouldn't be bothered with anyone of there anymore. I'll give my attention to those who are trying. No point being bothered by those who don't anymore. My platoon even caused one of the sec- com sergeant to hate us. Wow, going to enjoy being fucked all the way till P.O.P by that sergeant liao. But seriously speaking, getting numbed to all those unreasonable stuffs and shit he's giving us. Shutting myself from all these things. Tired of hearing, experiencing these things.

Going to P.O.P soon in like 2 weeks and 2 days' time. Talk about time passing so fast. The only aim I have now is juz to get gold for IPPT the week after. Juz to end my BMT feeling I've accomplished something. Juz feel that I won't really be going into OCS afterall but instead, most probably going to SISPEC. Haha, juz a good gut feeling. Don't wanna care so much about it too? Seriously speaking, starting to have that "I'm lost..." feeling again. Tend to wonder about what I really want in life, what my whole presence here is all about? I used to think that perhaps seeking for a special someone is that ultimate aim. Work hard now so my family can enjoy a good life after. Now, that aim seems to be turning hazy coz that love is really something unpredictable eh? From what I see and experience till now, if I could really choose, I would rather fall in love in the olden times, way way back to the ancient times. Haha...naive thoughts. Like Yoda said in SW3, "Learn to let go, you must". The more you yearn for something, the more you treasure something, the greater the risk of falling into the dark, negative thoughts upon losing them. Till now, there's still this person I cannot let go. Why must I torment myself to care for someone who's already feeling blessed with another person by her side? If I can live that moment away, I would rather choose to walk away quietly. Why insist on knowing the truth when the truth hurts so deeply, so much that now my heart seems to be really numbed to any emotion. Haha.

They always say that love is about unconditional giving, love is all about communcation, committment and care. Love, so idealistic. No one said that sincerity can move anyone. No one said that giving way, unlimited care and concern promise lasting relationship. No one saide that in a relationship, the other party can only love you at a time. Every night I see my buddy talking to his gf and the way he tells me about her makes me think that the idealistic love does exists for a moment. Perhaps it's all the good deeds he accumulated in his previous life. Haha.

Haha, like now, when I'm thinking about all these feelings, my heart feels nothing - no ache, no pain. Am I really going into emotionless state? If so, then juz hope that I won't fall in love in the near and further future. Haha. Even if I wanted to, I also lack that seriousness, charm, character, sweet talks, the gentlemenly attitude and maturity that girls are looking for? Still like to do things as I when and where I wanna do, make decisions base on my gut feelings and not being bounded to anything, anyone. Committment? No point. It's better to wonder about alone than having to constantly care and worry for another person who may not even bothers. Haha, don't think so much liao. Gotta go train for my 2.4km run. Sleep early.

Love is for those who still believes. Indifference is for those who don't.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

Back from fieldcamp, both physically and mentally drained. And of course, the motto of Orion 2 Section 2 is "Tough Men Deserves Tough Training". Haha. Had extremes of weather, hot one moment and raining like shit another. Was drenched thoroughly and shivering while trying to get somemore sleep in my basha coz of the thunderstorm. Sian loh, kanna fever there. Luckily not serious or later I OOC for missing fieldcamp.

Somethings juz like happened and made me realise that I perfer to work alone. Maybe the teamspirit that I've ever felt in NP could never be the same with this platoon. Somewhat juz getting more and more disappointed with some of the people in there and juz getting more and more detached from the people. Haha, hope that I can get posted to some unit where I can juz work alone on a mission. MAybe a racky or scout? Haha. Juz hope things will get better.

I dreamt of this person during fieldcamp once. Someone I used to care for. I don't even know what she means to me now or rather, who am I to her now. Is the presence of love between a man and a woman so important? I've tried not to let myself sink into another love trap by falling for someone else but create this imaginary person and seek a mental support from 'her' instead. Coz everytime when I get really down I always ask myself, " What the hell am I doing all this for? Why not juz put everything down and I'll feel more relaxed..." Juz like I wished a real person would come and say to me, 'she' will come into my mental picture and tell me, "C'mon, you can do it. Take a rest if you're tired but don't sit there forever. You're not alone, I'm always here with you." How wonder the mind can be right? Juz create a mental illusion to decieve itself and making itself more motivated to move on. Mind over body. Also wondered where my heart went coz it has been a long time since I felt its presence. No aches, no warm feeling, no nothing. Perhaps it went away for a breather too. Yup. It's better to be loved than fall in love, coz love hurts. Saw this quote somewhere. Haha. Quite true. But I rather it be not to love and not to be loved. Coz don't hurt others and don't get hurt. Isn't it better? haha......

Starting to feel sian about NS life? Juz last week, already kanna more than 200 push ups for punishments. Tried to give my best in everything and I ended up with an aching body daily and sleep was like never enough. Even before I knew it, I'm off to some other activity again. Sometimes really envy those guys wif gf whom they can talk to at night. For me, I juz try to sleep as early as possible and hope that I have a good dream about my ideal girl. I seriously don't know what I want now. Go OCS? SISpec? Or even MAN? I don't know. Haha, really need a guiding path to show me some way now.

Booking in tml and that'll be 2 more weeks to the next book out. Field camp, wonder what it'll be like. Some say fierce, some say fun, some say laxing. Yup, juz think that it's fun and it'll be fun. Come to think about it, after field camp, it'll be like 3 more weeks and I'll have my P.O.P. Time really flies. But right now, I really guess I'm tired. Physically and mentally.