Maybe I've never been someone whom the people around me wanted. Perhaps I don't even have the 'correct' stuff to be someone who's considered desirable. No pride, no pride. That's wat a fellow pc told me. So wat's pride, is ur pride my pride? If so, then I should be you instead. Then this whole world should be juz you, then won't it be such a wonderful place? To have everyone agreeing with you, have the same pride as you?

I don't care anymore. I treat people for who they are, not the way I want them to be but now, I don't care anymore. They can say, do things to down me, I don't care. As long as they don't touch the things and people I still care about, they'll be safe. I've lost all the extreme emotions, or rather lotsa emotions lately. I don't know if they're gonna blow when the time calls for it. I don't care. Juz be indifferent coz nth much matters anymore.

Am I enlightened so I'm starting to feel indifferent to lotsa things or is it that I'm running away from reality that I'm feeling indifferent? Lost lotsa extreme emotions, or I'm starting to not feel so much for many things. Somewhat feelin kinda scared, coz that means there's really nothing much I want to hold on to strongly... If everything becomes somewhat unimportant to me, then what's my purpose or goal in life? I don't know. Living da by day, juz waiting for time to pass, seems to be waiting for the day I return to soil. Perhaps one day I'll come to an understanding about everything, find out all the answers to all the questions left inside.

What's important? I wish I could freed myself from all these troubles... I guess one don't fight if that something isn't important to him. =

Watched "Xian Jian Qi Xia Zhuan" on sat. Found what one of the person in the show said to be quite true. Actually gaining enlightment is juz like having this untouchable calmness inside one, not affecting by external influences. Happiness, sadness, jealousy, anger - all these feelings are juz our own attitude towards things. It's actually our call to decide how we should feel. Pehaps if we viewed things from other perspectives, they don't really affect us that much. Kinda hard to practice them though...I always knew it's no good to have some thoughts and emotions but they juz come at that time and screw me up. Haha. No wonder there's a say " Tian luo you qing tian yi lao" (If heaven has love, it'll wither and grow old). True true. But kinda bad for me too...found myself with nothing to hold on strongly to. Like a belief or goal. Makes me like a wondering soul without an aim in life. Everyone like has big dreams, earn big bucks, earn big bucks and earn big bucks. Me...well...don't know. Perhaps the need hasn't arise yet so I think juz earn enough to save a bit if good for me. Humm...sian. Need a long term goal or purpose to give me that drive and passion or everyday will juz be...SIAN. Sigh..sian.

Weeks after weeks of oufield after this. Can't wait for RCC to end.

Tired.

Feeling lost. On course now but somehow...feeling lost. Disillusioned. Wondering what the hell am I doing here, what am I working for? Why? How? I don't know. Feelin the low.

Talkin to the guys abt love and marriage and stuffs. Really admired one of the sergeants who's getting married, the guys who're attached. There are juz some things that even the best guys friends, buddies or pals can do. Somewhat, some part inside juz feels...empty. Yet I guess...there's no point in trying coz yup, it's already tested and proven times and again.

Need a break from army. Need sometime to find back my old self. Find back that energy and drive in life. To find the passion again...my passion in life.

Work like you don't need the money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like you do when nobody's watching...

Saw this words in one of the email I recieved. How often have we forgotten that what we can do, what we feel or what we think is not wholely governed by external factors but we ourselves, have the power to control them.

Throughout these years, find myself often disillusioned by the surrounding occurances, thinking that the way my life is heading, the way I'm feeling right now are being shaped by these happenings. Read books and realised that nope, actually I'm juz letting these things to take over instead of being in control of my own self. I choose my own emotions, yea, being happy, crazy and acting stupid is not a mask I put to cast aside the negative aspects of me. Maybe all along I'm juz learning to let go of the -ve and embrace the +ve. I'm not pretending to be what others would want me to be but I'm juz being the JH I wanna be. Haha. Kinda long to come to a realisation eh?

Decided to follow the fortune teller's prophecy that I'll marry at 38-39. Haha. I know why, coz by that time, I'll be kinda too old? Too old to be actively playin the game I've always loved. Comin to a 10th year anniversary with bball. Remembered the first time I saw MJ played on the court in 1996. Wow, I never knew that such a sport existed, such a player existed. It's like he's a dancer on the dance floor, gliding thru the court with grace and scoring with style and beauty. I never wanted to stop watching him play coz, I never know when the next moment he'll come up with his biggest play. He mesmerised me with his out-of-this world moves.

I love the ball and the court. Somewhat, it became more than juz a game. It became my seclusion admist the chaos. It became a sacred ground for me where I can juz throw away everything that's bothering me and be freed of all worries. Somehow, somewhat, some solutions will answer to some problems at the end of the session. Juz like a long talk with a good old friend, all the dirt will settle down to the floor and the path seems clear once again. Haha. Feelin that old passion burnin up again. Wait till next year...I'll start preparing myself physically and mentally. I'll get into the varsity team. I'll peak myself to the top of my game and perform on the court in the Nationals once again...

I did a stupid thing.

Realise how much I've changed. In places that I'm not confident in, I never jumped into them at full force or give my 101% but give the bare minimum and leave the a whole lot of route for retreat. Haha. That's maturity. Give the bare minimum of expectations and hopes for anything that even if tt doesn't happen, I won't feel tt *toot* up. Right. Not saying that do it for all but juz give ur very best for things that's worth it.

Been actively working out in the gym, running and exercise to reduce my fat deposits that I've accumulated ever since commissioning. Haha. Spending quality time on court too. Trying to improve myself as well as prep for the uni varsity team. Realised that bball is all that's left of me that I'm confident of. I know that if I work hard, I'll get back results. Been watchin some MJ DVDs to inspire me onwards as a basketballer to be. Lol. Very captivating to see him perform on the court, juz like some graceful ballerina dancing on the floor. He'll always be tt perfect model for me to work my skills towards to. Haha. It's bball time. =)