Haha, zj commented how sad my blog is always and I'm like in a depression forever.

Juz watched "The Myth". It's not as bad as the critics reviewed. As usual, I'm the one who loves to lose myself into the fantasy rather than face the realities at times. Like the way the story was written but kinda sad at the ending. Haha. Heard these words from someone on the radio which goes something like "To get together now, the two person must have somewhat gone thru something together for their previous 2 lives. That's the fate they've weaved together to get together now." Maybe it's true. Maybe it's got something to do with the past lives thingy or not. Maybe everything is fated or perhaps destiny is within our own grasp. Ha. I don't know. Something strange is that my heart desires for love but my mind juz can't make out the reason for longing for someone. Maybe it's in the genes. =D Yup. These feelings. Emotions. I'll keep all these in another private journal of mine. I guess it's time to close up the doors. Maybe the more I write and let others know, the more it seems I can't let go. I'll juz keep them to myself and let them settle to the bottom and be forgotten in the passage of time. =)

Waiting...for that someone of the past...the previous life...if there is one. Or everything is juz..A Myth.

Woot. My 3 white bar. Feels kinda indifferent wearing it anyway, except that things will get a hell lot xiong in the pro term. The 23 click was ok loh, except that there's one part when I got hyped up and started singing all the cartoon songs that I could remember and yea, that part of the road was one of the more easier journeys. Heh. Was kinda disappointed that we didn't have the parade on Elephant Hill and watch the beautiful sunrise (as said by many others) coz of the adminstration cock-up as ADA has already booked the hill for an exercise. So, could say that the trip back was more tirring due to the disappointment and the fatigue setting in. Anyway, got the new rank and that's it. Btw, I'm doing my last extra now (on my block leave. T_T)! Yea, free man from tml onwards. HAha.

Humm...end of service term and going into pro term. Heard that next week we'll be having 8 click fast march (followed up by 12 and 16 click and so on), the outfields like ex wolf and dumping, juz to prepare us for the overseas training in a month's plus or so. Life in army...humm...I've got a better physical condition now, can run better, jump further and so on. =P I guess everyone does. I mean it's like the army, like OCS, if the physical fittness is not there then I should be saying goodbye? Haha. Apart from that, I guess the army has made me appreciate lotsa things around me more, like my family, my freedom, my bed and so on. No matter how simple the dish my mum cooked, I would always find it tasting better than the cookhouse food. Hah. And it's been quite a while I cooked something too. =D MY bed also seems to be more comfortable, more warm and such. Everything in the civilian life seems to be better but somehow, I seems to be contented the simple life that army is giving me now. (apart from all the 'tough trainings') Find myself really easy to satisified. DOn't really have all those big ambitions and dreams like others. A simple little thing can keep me occupied for long and I always try to find every little thing in life to feel happy and laugh about.

Perhaps this goes on to the old topic again. Yea Nic, a tot to share with u eh? HAha. I guess for me, I'm not that competition-driven type to go to the extend that I would really do anything to win unless it's really something that I'm passionate about. (like bball but I still try to relac-jack a bit. Haha.) I rather enjoy the process of doing the thing and it doesn't matter the results (although winning can bring the joy x2) but take bball for example, it's the beautiful teamwork and the excellent plays that mesmerise me. For me, I juz do what my own values, principles tell me to do and that's it. I'm not like those selfless or saint type coz I know I'm not, I'll still slack at every possible chance. =P Perhaps sometimes I do things coz I know that if I don't, no one else will and everyone will die together. Haha. Might as well do it right?

Linking back to love. Perhaps everyday like take all the shit also need some outlet to neutralise all the f-up feelings inside what. Maybe the last relationship wasn't as fulfilling as such. I don't know, I juz don't feel like someone of any importance to her. It juz seems that whatever I do weighs nothing and it juz gets tirring to go on and on. When she's upset I have to take all the cold words and behaviours and when I'm unhappy, I can't show it coz if I do, she juz makes me feel that it's wrong to do so. I guess all I as for is to treat me like a friend. I mean if I have a girlfriend as close to me as my buddies like boon, jun, seng or even dets, I guess I'll be extremely contented. It's really hard to find someone who can understands me and like know what's going on juz by observing my actions alone. HA, that brings to another point for my peer appraisal. Someone wrote that I'm too easily influenced by my own emotions. I guess so. I think that emotions have always been that weakness of mine. Juz like fall in love too easily, get upset too easily because I care too much about what people around me thinks. TRy to fit to their needs at times and not let them be unhappy results in juz me, myself getting tired and hurt. Yup. Still learning to let go of these thoughts and be a more emotionless me. Heh. Oh yea, back to nic's point. Well, I think that for you, it's up to you to decide how much you want that friendship and how much chance you think you'll succeed. But actually, before all these analysis, as your heart first. If you think that you should do it, then juz go for it. Don't wait and drag and waste time coz at the end of the day when you see that she's with someone else, you'll be the one regretting not making the move, not her. Well, don't think so much like me loh. Think more = more hum. Be like seng loh, gan ai gan hen. Hehe. Well, all I can say is all the best to you loh, I ain't no love expert to give you excellent tips to boost your chances of succeeding but yea, listen to your heart unless it fails you many times like mine. =P

Juz pleasently surprised at myself at how emotionless I can feel now when I read about the blog other those I used to place importance in my heart. Haha. Today's my cousin's wedding and kinda sets me off thinking, again. =P Juz like OOC (Officer Cadet Course), you have to go through lotsa shit together (in OCS, you go thru with ur brothers; in love, of course with that special person) to have a happy ending to your courtship days (a black bar!!!) which is getting married. I guess army is really a good place to heal all hurt souls coz it juz makes me so tired mentally and physically and the programmes are so packed that I hardly have time to sit down and think. And if there's really time, I'll most probably be falling asleep in bed to rest. Haha. To be a responsible man-to-be (when I'm 21, after NS) and a future officer-to-be, gotta think of the big picture. Don't even think I have energy and time to spare for another person and the time I have now, I rather go out and rot with my friends and relax myself coz having been thru love before, it's so tirring, especially always trying to be the ideal bf that a girl wants. Crap. Perhaps a few cells or neurones in my brain is fried for good. Yea and I mean it's good. =

Oh yea, service term ending soon. After 23 click (and another 4 click back to OCS) route march, I'll be a senior cadet! HAhah. Hope they don't want us to carry platoon organic weapons or I'll really orgas if I'm the GPMG assistant. All the FEELING (sing this word with emotion!) will come. Hhaha. Sorry non-NS folks, maybe you don't really understand what the "toot-to-to-to-tooooooot" I'm talking about. Humm....time really flies. 3 month plus in OCS and about half a year in army liao. Although I really look forward to regainning my pink IC, getting back my freedom, this army life has sort of became my life now. I think I'll have a hard time adjusting back to the civilian life (yea rite) after I ORD. Was thinking of signing on to the army but after that great ambition I had with the gang, maybe I shouldn't waste the precious time I have. A few Physics projects to be completed in my lifetime - theory of condensed light, black hole and inter-dimensional theory and nuclear fusion reactor. Cool. All these to construct a real GUNDAM model as suggested by our beloved CCK. =.= Haha. Although a bit "...", I think that it's good to have a dream coz that'll be something that I can work towards to, especially after when my brain is deteoriating after entering NS. Need some Physics to set the brain juice flowing. =P

The following are the ambitions few to build a workable GUNDAM MODEL =D
Model theory - JH
Mech and electrical engineering - CCK
Purchase of resource - Boon
Artistic outlook of model - Jun
Chemical composition of wpns and reactor - Seng

You are 14.29% jealous!
For this test, the average jealousy percentage is 35.54%.
314346 people have taken this test to date.

This percentage means that :

���You are not at all jealous.
���In fact, you are possibly too trusting.
���You seem too non-chalant about social situations.
���This will possibly present a problem, as people are prone to take advantage of you.

http://tests.studentcenter.org/jealousytest.php

Listening to JJ's songs. The tempo of my heart has been out of rhythm for a long long time. Been troubled by my heart for so long and all I've done is nothing but suppress everything deeper and deeper. It really does takes a lot of luck, patient, courage, determination and 2 person to get 2 different hearts beating at the same rhythm. I've always been unsure of how I feel inside coz I really don't know what's right and what's wrong to what my instinct or feeling tells me. Even my dreams are invaded with images of her that I don't even know what's wrong with me. Realise that I always try to follow the rules, stick to the ideal and try to be as perfect as my moral values want me to be. If you love someone, you would want her to be happy. Yes I do, of course I do, but what about me. It juz feels so tired to always think of others' feelings and happiness that I forget my own emotional needs, that I'm juz a human being, like anyone else. Hah...maybe not. Even since I been to OCS, I'm not treated like one. Haha. At least humans are allowed to make mistakes, but OCTs are expected to be perfect. I don't know. I don't know what I want myself to be, what I want in my life, how to handle myself. Juz need answers. It would be good is something happen and I get amnesia. Start everything anew.

Humm...3 more weeks and ST will end. Sadly, gotta serve the last of my extra on the 2nd day of my 3 day block leave. T_T Sian x1000. Haha. Lan lan, no choice, who ask me to ND? Juz take it and quickly clear the extras. Lately getting more slack and now that I've polished my drill boots to kilat, no fear for commander's parade liao. Juz waiting to show off my shiny boots only. =P Nothing much now, only lessons and lessons and the ET runs to prepare for the AHM at Shears Bridge this Sun. Roxy, lucky only have to run 12 click. haha. Btw, having nights out today. WAhaha, rare sia. Decide to come home and rest instead of aimless roaming in Jurong Point coz that's really meaningless. Ha.

Lately kinda stop thinking about relationship stuffs although I still have this hazy person in my mind whom I rely on for support. Maybe I'm juz so disappointed at my own self and abilities and stupidity for the meaningless amounts of tries. Don't know, the barrier to try each time gets harder and harder to get over each time and I'm juz waiting until the point that I won't even bother to try. Ha. Sick of giving in everything and in the end, seems like a big idiot. Ha. Nvm, shan't think so much liao.