Need someone to talk to.

Lost in this world called reality.

I'm beginning to start to not think so much for everything coz, I've juz started to give up on so many things, so many views that I've hold on strongly to in the past. Given up coz I've woken up from idealism into reality. My views are too naive. Passion, it's juz a 3 min affair. The strong urge and desire only existed for that short period of time and then it dies out and out comes another passion for something else. Haha, faithfulness, loyality are some of the values dying out.

Why try so hard? The people around me are juz giving me this signal. Why bother? Juz do a fucked up job and there'll be someone else to wipe your ass for you. Even if you bothered and tried hard, in the end, there'll still be bastards around to ruin everything and make your day lousy and make things difficult. Why be so hero and play a good guy? Juz do things that's suppose to be done and who cares about what the result might be? You've played your part and so be it.

I juz hate one thing about me. I talk all this shit and never act them out. I really should juz change into a bastard.

Was looking for this particular thing. Went to Lot 1, Jurong Point and finally West Mall but couldn't even catch sight of it. Thought I juz saw it at West Mall before the Brunei trip. Humm...sometimes it juz seems like the more you wanted to find something, the more the thing juz disappear from the surface of the earth. A quote from ZR:

2+ weeks juz zoomed pass me and I'm back from Brunei! wow...

Really learnt quite a lot from this trip, be it from the navi skills, movements, assaults and blah blah blah right down to understanding the peeps around me better. Some juz slack it off while others are slogging, carin only for themselves. I mean it's alright to do it once in a while coz perhaps the fatigue juz sets in but everytime? Too much. Changed my views about some others and I juz wanna tell myself to not care so much anymore. Sometimes when things doesn't matter that much to you anymore, it's time to let go and not waste your time and energy on it anymore.

Ex. Lancer is really one of the xiong-est for me so far. The daily 3-4 hrs of sleep and the mad rush every now and then to do this, do that and chiong all the shit. Suddenly the 4 days navex seems so appealing. Free to find checkpts on our own with our instructor, harbour @ 1700 and almost 8-10 hrs of slp during those days. Haha. The navex was heavenly compared to the rest of the trainings in lancer. Oh yea, saw Ah Lam there too. Haha, heard that he's earning 1600++ there and cool, I wld go too if offered the chance. Gd way to save money. =P 7 knolls and Mt Biang were quite tirring. Being the CRT (Coy Recee Team) was more tirring. Have to chiong ahead of the main body to make markings for them, hor-laned coz of a strong headed instructor resulted in us walking a *toot*-ing hell more dist and a few more knolls. Ai...don't care liao coz it's over.

Humm...come to think about it, I really can't find much more things to write. I guess I tend to forget about things quite quickly. It's good, the unhappy things juz goes eventually. Ha, will write more once I have the "feeling". Haha. Off to bed now. ZZZzzZzzZZzZzzz

In agreement to what Jun said, love is something that can't escape from being part of my entries.

In reality, the more obstacles I meet maybe it be getting IPPT gold or passing some tests, the more I fail the more determined I'll get in reaching the target. Failure seems to scotch that pride of mine and no matter how many times I must succeed. In love, it juz completely seems to be the opposite. Perhaps having gone thru countless of failures that I seems to have lost sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. What I'm doing is like walking aimlessly in this complete darkness, trying to find my way out not knowing if I'm juz walking in circles. Also, don't even know since when, being alone doesn't really matter much to me anymore. Somewhat accepted the fact that even very close friends, one day they'll find their soulmates and couldn't be always hanging out with me all the time. Doesn't really matter if I ever find a soulmate coz that person I've formulated in my mind will never appear in the real life. Somehow accepting that makes me less depress than always trying to search for that someone. Haha. Perhaps I don't have to try to guess what she's thinking, devote all my energy trying to please her, divert all my attention and time to her. Isn't one person more carefree than having to constantly worry about another? HAha. If I can choose, I rather be like Yang Guo and wait for 16 years or even more for someone I really love. Maybe that's what I'm doing now, waiting for that someone who's always there in my mind to come in reality. Realise that all my strength comes from my mind. What I lack in the real world are all there in my mental world that somewhat, the spiritual fulfilment gives me the energy and strength to go on. Whatever. If so I'm going to remain single all my life, so be it. I've become so passive that I don't feel like doing anything to change the current situation. Haha. =P

Listening to "Accidentally In Love" now. Somewhat this kinda fast beat songs makes me hyped up and dancing to the tempo. "imagine me moving to the beat" =D

This Sun flying off to Brunei for Ex. Lancer loh. Heard it'll be the xiong-est Ex for Infantry Officers so I guess I won't really have much to worry after I endure thru this course. Haha. Well, I kanna the Company Recee Team (CRT) and yea, will move before the main body to make makings for them to follow to the objective. Sounds fun sia. Heard that the CRT will stay for Ex Cresendo In Thailand next year. Heh. I think that recee team is shiok sia. Get to do all those fun stuffs like tryin to evade and escape enemy capture while having to move stealthly towards enemy encampment to gather info about them. Get to ride a bike too! =D Hope I get posted to Scouts after commissioning. Heh. Although physically taxing but nth beats then having to work for something fun. =D

As for social night, juz trying my best to get a date on 30th dec. Msg someone and juz waiting for her to reply. As usual, the process of waiting harbours lotsa negative thoughts in my brain now. Is it because after failing to many times that it becomes natural that these thoughts juz comes naturally each time to dessuade me from trying as a protective measure? Maybe. Well, gotta get over this barrier (juz like I conquered the Safti Endurance Obstacle Course!) and try try try. It doesn't really matter if I do fall, at most get some cuts and scratches here and there. Can't take the pain? CAN YOU TAKE PAIN?!? (<---from WSM BRAVO, Master WO Paul Singh) Ha, how to be a man if I can't even take this little pain. At a stage where boys become men. NS juz trains me to be both mentally and physically tough. Love, shouldn't juz give up on it like that right, but yet not overly obsessive with it. At least if I keep trying and don't succeed, I can't tell eveyone that it's not within my control, ceteris paribus. =P