[if i knew, i would have love you 100% and not 80%.but at least, 20% saved me from more misery.Yet, this 20% robbed me off from the happiness that I could have.] -Unknown

Wondering if my brain is juz screwed or less developed or simply uncooperative. =/ Juz how did yanxi, boon, cck or kiwi managed to study for more than 6 hrs straight and stay so focused. My brain seems to malfunction after 2 hrs and after a short break, it'll malfunction within 1 hr and the focus rate goes down as an expotential decay. Seriously need to drown myself in books, work or anything for midterm2 papers coming in 1 wk's time and I juz wanna occupied my mind with all these stuffs. Think my brain is not thinking enough. If can survive till 930pm everyday in sch till the end of this sem, I think it'll certainly level up. oO Or so I hope.

Juz typed a long post which I unpublished the moment I click the publish button. I guess there's really that part of me inside still tired, afraid, lacking in confidence.

I'm juz a nobody.

Bball with jun and cck!

Great workout. Cck surprised me for the first round with a rather accurate shooting spree. Haha. Jun joined much later and pulled a few amazing stunts as well. HAh. But has to agree, seriously, w/o boon's firepower, the overall offense is much much harder and tougher. I managed to rise to the occasion for a few times playing in the high post offense. Lol. My offense really sux. Really need to brush up on my hardiness and toughness. I'm too soft.

Had some talk after the game. All 3 of us agree that w/o boon and yanxi, there's no one to discipline us to mug really hard everyday. Haha. Sux. Jun, sigh, running into an emotional crap. Sux. Hey dude, hang in there, I know how shitty it feels man. There's times when you really feel that you've tried and wonder what else can be done and that person seems to have walked away. Don't know ba dude, maybe we're juz not into that luck.

Don't know. It's juz like unknowingly, I've sinked in too deep and suddenly juz to treat you as a friend only, nothing else attached, juz friends, I can't adjust that quickly. I've tried, you see me trying to pull away slightly. To drift back into original state. To not have you in my mind always. When you said that you don't know what will become of us. I don't know to, but I wanna try yet. I don't know. It's like there's something going on yet nothing at the same time. Confused. Lost. Yup, I guess that you're really busy with everything and I'm certainly not going to be able to packed into that tight schedule. Don't know. Sigh. Juz like V. I'll never be among the priorities or serve any importance.

Forgive my nagging. I'm only human.

Sigh.

Don't know what to do or what to say anymore.

And there's a danger in lovin' somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are,
Baby sometimes love juz ain't enough...

Reading blogs of friends, browsing, thinking. Wondering how sometimes TV portrays the reality into a fantasy that tricked me into believing. It's nice to read blog entries of the couple and follow the sequence of the days before they got together and the feelings and thoughts that the 2 person had. How interesting it is to see them test each other if the other is feeling the same way too but one thing for sure, they felt something for each other from the start. Haha. That warm and happy feeling when you see 2 person come together.

Love is really about feelings ba. If there's no initial feelings, the legendary spark aka chemistry, then there usually won't have anything positive coming out from it ba. The media always portray love could be blossomed with lotsa determination and sincerity but so far, seeing the cases around me and from experience, it's quite rare ba. Ha.

I guess I should really stop here before I start blabberin too much.

In the end, didn't go ECP on sunday. Woke up with a dark and threatening sky which maintain tt way till the mid afternoon. Damn, should have went. Instead, spent the whole day at home reformatting my com, installing all the updates and that drained most of my time and energy. Finished another book during the wait. This time it's about how despite the no compassion for strays military law for the US marines fighting in Iraq, a lieutantent colonel fight the odds to find means and ways to bring back to US a puppy that he's met in Iraq which somewhat reminded him that he's juz only, human. Sometimes love is that simple, find someone or something who's willing to accept your heart and love that person/thing whole.

Caught in a super heavy downpour on the way home. So heavy till the visibility is only like 50-100m only and I've to travel at max 60km/h all the way. Haha. The sucky feeling of my jeans sticking to my skin and my shoes all soaked. Hey, that's a familar feeling, except there's a lack of proning on muddy grounds. How the rain seems to pelt mercilessly like needles on my skin and that the cold piercing through the flesh to the bones.

Thoughts, emotions and feelings are meant to be left on the shelves.

Song of the moment - Hold me - Savage Garden

*totally random stuff juz now*

Went to top up my fuel after volunteering. Was seriously wondering if I should top V-power or Shell 95. Well, V-power is 20 cents per litre more and for about 7 litres that I usual top, it'll be extra $1.40 more. So was standing at the pumping thinking and I took the red V-power. Well, ever since a month ago that I've been using V-power the bike seems to be churning nicely, engine running smoothly, sometimes even too smooth that I'm so not used to it. The engine also sounds much more powerful but the fuels seems to be sucked dry at an amazing rate. T_T Well, as long as the bike's happy and running great, it makes me feel good to so, V-power it'll be till I'm so broke. Lol.

*thinking out loud*

Hmmm, 1 more day left that I've given myself to let loose and have fun. Wondering if I should go to ECP and cycle tml but no one's going with me. =/ Either busy at the open house or juz plainly mugging. If I can wake up tml think I'll bike down and cycle! Ha. Need some fresh air and some exercise. Hope there's so pretty girls doing morning exercise there too. Lovin the bonus, if there is. =D Lol!

Decided to adopt boon's studying philosophy, play super hard and then feel satisfied (fj-ed) and go study to the core. So I decided to let myself loose this weekend and not think about sch work. After which, it's hitting the books till exams are over.

And on Fri the 13th, finished the only lecture for the day, went home before venturing out to Taka Kino there to browse books. Bought another 2 books to add to be collection and I'm seriously overspending here. Ha. Juz felt like reading coz there are times when reading brings me to place, experiences and feelings I don't get to go through now, yet. Broadens my horizon, open up my mind and makes me a slightly better person?

And Sunday feel like going to cycle at ECP. Maybe in the morning ba. Wondering if anyone's interested but I seriously doubt so. Either too busy or mugging. Lol. Never mind, it's good to spend time alone. Wonder where else I can go to explore in Singapore... =/

Feeling kinda crappy coz I said something I shouldn't last last night and feeling a bit useless for not being able to be of any help when I see a friend feeling really upset. Although I really wish that I'll be around her at that moment, I guess that my presence doesn't really help much also. Lotsa question inside my head too. Maybe I'm really not ready for anything yet. Maybe the wound in my heart never really healed itself, I've juz ignored it for the couple of years and it didn't feel much coz I've grown numbed to it. Constantly wanting to reach out and hold on to her, perhaps hoping that she can make it better and whole again. What a selfish thought. Don't know, but I guess it's time to come to a realisation that it's still hurting from years ago and now, I'll close my heart and slowly heal it ba. Till the day that it's whole and I can love with no strings attached, then perhaps she might accept that more complete me ba.

And now the puppy within will go hunt for his favourite stick that he has buried somewhere. He'll find it, somehow.

Words from "Marley and Me".

Was it possible for a dog - any dog, but especially a nutty, wildly uncontrollable one like ours - to point to humans to the things that really mattered in life? I believed it was. Loyalty. Courage. Devotion. Simplicity. Joy. And the things that did not matter, too. A dog has no use for fancy cars or big homes or designer clothes. Status symbols mean nothing to him. A waterlogged stick will do just fine. A dog judges others not by their colour or creed or class but by who they are inside. A dog doesn't care if you are rich or poor, educated or illterate, clever or dull. Give him your heart and he will give you his...

Finished the book. Before that finished another book "Rescuing Devon, the world's most troublesome dog". Laugh at his mischiefs and total destructive behaviours. Felt proud of him when he displayed a strong sense to protect people important to him despite his daily goofiness. Sad when I read about his failing health each day but yet, still managed to bring joy and happiness to the ones around him. Heart broke when his time was up and had to go.

It's weird how one of the few things that ever really touch me deeply was reading about how animals, especially dogs, displaying their unconditional love for the people around them. Haha. And how many life lessons these four legged creatures actually taught me. Every little thing in life is worth celebrating. Why bite when a growl will do? Letting the screw loose once in a while doesn't hurt. Haha... And most important, live for the present, live like there's no tomorrow. =)

Juz came back from the NAFA concert. It was great for the rich and soothing music. Appreciated the structure of the theatre during the interval and marvelled at the unique way it is built to maximise the interference of the sound waves for best quality. Oops, the physics part of me is acting up. =/ Had a slow and long walk to the mrt station, enjoyed the bright and almost round moon hanging there in the sky and when I stared hard enough, could actually make out the faint glows of the stars in the clear sky. Luckily, had "Marley and Me" to accompany me through the long train ride. Passengers on board must have thought that I'm cranky when they saw me laughing to myself while reading. Haha. Reach Cck and remembered that I haven't had dinner yet and yup, sat down at Mac and continued reading my book. Juz dwelled there till arnd 11.30? Haha. Lol.

Had lunch with cck and des at Arts. Cck juz rdmly asked me so how's progress with Ms Tampines. Lol. Juz friends? What else can there be? Haha... Perhaps I used to have lotsa hopes and expectations but yup, I guess along time they starts to tone down ba. It's great to have a close female friend whom I can talk to and hang out with but yup, that should be it. Maybe like Marley, I juz have to put in my best and the rest don't think about it. Don't expect anything and if once in a while anything good that happens is a call for celebrations.

Had a little bluesy feeling inside and I thought what would a dog have done given that. So I looked myself in the mirror during shower, tried raising my eyebrows and move my ears at the same time, which kinda failed miserablely, almost resulting in a forehead muscle cramp. HAha. Bared my teeth and growled at myself, made stupid expressions and yup, I broke out laughing at myself before hitting the showers.

Glad. Happy that I still have this self-entertaining/amusing ability which I've cultivated during my younger days. Should polish it up more often to keep this useful skill nice and ready always. Haha. Should try to do something stupid next time. =D

Hmm...think I should stop blogging excessively. Someone complained that I'm too free to do all these etc stuffs. Ha. Find some other things to do other than coming online ba.

First of the top of the list would be reading the book "Marley and Me" for leisure times. I'll try to keep at blogging only once a week ba.

Watched Marley and Me.

Another show that I'm glad I watched alone. Touched. Moved. Whatever you called it. I admit I almost teared. Today wasn't great. Felt like sht after the 2 tests. Don't know why I'm studying for anyway, for I'm sure that it didn't help much during the tests. Sense of worthlessness ba, you could call it.

Watched the show and wondered, how great it would be if I have a big dog around.

A dog doesn't care whether you're rich or poor, what colour is your skin, juz a waterlog stick will do. Give it your heart and it will give you its heart.

Words at the ending of the show. How true, makes one marvel at the capacity the dog's ability to love, as if it's borned to shower its master with love. How it makes you feel like you're the most special person that it has ever seen. Secretly wished that someone would do something outta his/her way juz for me, makes me feel important. Ha. Even if it's something small, makes me feel special. Wishing.

Sometimes juz wished someone would hold me close, juz like now. If a doggie is here, I would give it a big hug. Tell it so many things that's bothering me, without fearing that it'll laugh at me. Screwed up emotions now. Sit beside me, juz being there. Maybe it's that close human touch that I've been missing daily nowadays. Detached from society. Perhaps I should have chosen a course what my other friends are doing, then I won't be so lonely ba. Or just blame myself at how lousy I'm at integrating into the new environment. Never mind, one more year? Grad, go work, save up, get a house, get a car and get a dog.

Everything will be better after a good night's sleep.

Taking a short break now.

Looking back at the few early entries that I wrote juz before enlistments. Some during BMT and start of OCS. Army really changed me, I guess. Tested my physical limits, allow me to achieve the impossible that I thought before. Filled my schedule fully so that I don't have time to think of anything else. If I had to stay single for a long long time, SAF would be a good career for me. Hah.

Saw that entry which I got stung by a hornet and now, look a the stupid swollen bee sting patch on my hand. Ha. Could have died from that hornet sting but guess lady luck is always looking out for me. Most of the entries were about how I wished that I had someone in mind mind to push me on during tough times but haha, I still managed to got over them without that special someone. How I envied my buddy who got to talk to his gf every night (and I had to put up with the conversation while trying to sleep...) Haha.

Now, in the silence of the night, thinking back. Life was really simple back then, juz wake up each day looking forward to the end of the day. Book in looking forward to the next book out.

Hah...shall get back to work. =/

Woke up a while ago to study mainly and partly of another reason. 6 hrs of slp from 8pm. That'll be the maximum each day. =/

Been up in the wee hours to study for my midterm. My brain really functioned better at night, given the condition that I can get pass that ZZZ stage. Reading Feynman's "The pleasue of finding things out" and wondered how nice would it be to have a mentor like him. Perhaps I would really grow into physicist. Haha. Picking up the skills that they use in physics, like trying to find similar situations and work from the idea to the real case.

Just like let say you first see a cow and thought "Hey, after MUCH approximations the cow can actually be treated like a sphere in an ideal simple case. Then I can use spherical coordinates and harmonics and blah blah blah to solve this and that. From that simple system I'll make corrections to fit the real cow. Tada~! Now I understand how a cow works!" Haha.

Ok that's juz crap. Think my brain is still in the half conscious state. Alright, back to the world of uncertainty.

Let me run back into the safety of my cave for a while.

Now I'm like a caveman, afraid of the flashes of lightning and claps of thunder in the open, jumping at each streak and rumble. Run, running back into the my little cave to hide from the elements. Maybe it's been a really long long while since I've fallen so deeply, unknowingly. Scared, afraid, like a little boy out on his own. Let me find some more courage and confident back in that little cave.

Alright...the most suay thing could have possibly happened is to meet a kamikazi bee while riding my bike to school. Riding on the PIE halfway when I felt a sharp pain on my right forearm, followed by increasing numbness. Glanced at the source of the discomfort and I saw a brown thing embedded there, which looks like the remanents of the bee. Slowed down and rode on while attempting to scrape off and pull out that thing. When I finally got it out (or so I think), had to survived that numbness in my forearm and rode to sch. Found that part swollen and the area around it ached as if I tore my muscles.. =/ How suay can it be? Lol, next time I'll wear my jacket no matter what. T.T

Worked out with Jun and then followed by a run around the track. Woh, that's like madness, and now my whole body is aching. Zzzz...should do this more often. Need to get into good shape for my No.1 and also for the logistics (if I get in to the NDP thingy). Alright, I'll be your training buddy for you IPPT liao, Jun. =D

~~

Hmm...went out for supper with Miss Tampines on Sunday night. Supposedly to have the well-know brownie (which she claimed) at Secret Garden but when we're there at around 10.10pm, it was closing (although the sign says close at 11pm -.-). So kinda da bao-ed the brownie and walked to Starbucks at...Grand Cathay (the one beside PS...) and yup, exchanged some lame jokes (which I think I won! Haha!) and chatted till Starbucks was closing too, where we walked again to Istana Park. Wow, didn't know that the park opposite Istana there is so nice! Haha, of course, it's the company that counts most. Surprising, the sky is rather clear and there's quite a few stars too?

Hmm...she tied her hair that night (and I wondered if it's the comment that I made to her =P) and yup, my buddies shld know that I always have a soft spot for girls with long hair. Haha. Ok that's not the point. Don't know, never had the chance in my life to really go out alone with a female and had long conversations ba. Not even with V. Maybe... =) Juz hope I manage to find more little time here and there to spend with her among her busy schedule. =D

Happy. Contented.