Guess Boon's right. The blog is a place to write down some thoughts and there, a stop point, a resting and reflecting junction before we move on with our journey. Maybe I should keep hoping or expect something to happen. Don't hope, juz work hard and do whatever I think is right and the result...doesn't matter, does it? Perhaps it does matters a lot but without the hope, at least won't feel so disappointed if it fails. I guess all I need is a confid and someone in my mind to push myself on. Like I told Russ, maybe I don't really need a gf coz I don't even know whether I can give her anything at all (can't get over past upsetting exp...). Juz need someone to sit by me and someone whom I can relate to. Ha...someone...

-divert to something else-

Humm...guess all the studying I had in JC and Sec Sch are going to waste. Forgot lotsa stuffs liao. Really need to catch up on some of the work esp if I wanna do well in uni. Decided to start all over again from the very basics of Physics. Gotta get my foundations right and solid before I proceed on to those"I-don't-even-know-what-the-hell-they-are-all-about" mathematical formulas and theories. My love for the subj is still strong. Wonder if this will keep on when I'm in uni studying it again. Remember all my first loves. The first time in primary 2 when I saw the P3 sci textbk and I was so amazed by all the things inside coz it's nothing like the languages that I've learnt before my P2 life. Remember all the little stuffs like magnets always point to a certain dir and other stuffs never fails to amaze my little brain (at tt time). Haha. As I grow older, realise that out of the 3 mainstream science subj, Physics is the one I love most. Haha. Although I'm never tt smart like boon, nor as hardworking as cck, but I'm juz drawn towards tt big unknown and the answers that this subj provides me about everything around us (well almost). Haha... Also remember the first time in P4 when I first saw MJ on TV during an NBA game. The first time I fell in love with the sport, my old friend. Bball, taught me lotsa things, brought me to lotsa great pals of mine, been together with me in the rain shooting alone, when I was lost and down, when I don't even know if it's rain or tears on my face.

haha...all the fond old memories. The first time. Yet, there's others which I rather choose not to remember coz they'll only tickle tt old wound of mine. Haha... Memories...

Back.

Ex Cresendo juz ended in a whizz... Everything was not as bad as it was in Brunei. There's time for everything and the only tiring part of the whole trip was Ex Homerun where 5 missions in 3 days 3 night with less than 2 hrs of slp in total. Really a test of mental endurance. Seen lots in this trip. All sort of character from cadets to permstaffs to officers alike. Juz sets me thinking about everything I've been working for. Thought that being an officer is like a prestigous thing but somewhat some actions, words and behaviours of some blacksheep makes me think otherwise. Perhaps 1 person I really missed this trip is my Wing Sergeant Major who's posted out to be OC of a BMT company. He's one who's been around since I stepped into OCS and he never fails to make me feel safe when he's around. Somewhat, he's like another father to me in OCS. Sighz... Never mind, he promised to come back for our commissioning parade. =)

I'm one of the stupid guys that my PC said when he talked to all of us, although he juz didn't mention names, I juz know. People who juz work and work but don't know how to wayang to suck up to their superiors. Haha...I admit that's me. I don't like doing things to earn my way into others' FAV list but rather, coz it's something that's needed to be done. Coz someone juz gotta do it. Perhaps I'm not streetwise, not tt smart or I'm juz so ordinary that I juz have to work extra hard to get what others could have got with half the effort. I'm not special, unique. Juz an ordinary me. Maybe that's why I could only keep the distance. She's beautiful, smart, friendly, nice, everything a guy could dream of. Me, juz someone you wouldn't notice unless you looked really hard. Haha. I guess, maybe I feel inferior inside? Or I juz think that she deserves better. Perhaps until I have more confidence in love, I'll juz continue being a friend and work towards having a golden retriever as my companion. At least a dog would make me feel special, be happy to see me and love me unconditionally. Haha.

Less than 2 months to commissioning. Wondering what lies ahead after this. Still searching for that 1 reason, purpose or goal for my pressence here. Waiting. Looking. Still tired.

2006. A New Year. A new beginning.

Woke up in the morning only to go to the doc to change my dressing. Was disgusted when he pull out the pus-filled swap in the wound. Bleach... Then he pulled out a yellow suff with the tweezer which he mentioned was an infected tissue. Oh man. I mean, am I rotting from within. Oo Had to endure thru all the "exhilarating feelings" when he proceed to stuff a new swap into that wound within any anesthetic. I was celebrating while he was doing in. Haha. The doc heard about my Thailand trip and he gave a 14day MC straight with a letter to the SAF MO. I was like 0.O and shit, I'm gonna get OOC. Called my PC when I got home and he told me to give him the MC and he'll settle the rest. Hope I won't be packing my bags before march11. =(

Read boon's blog and I say, I must really borrow the book from him. Haha. True, many times, we're juz too bothered by external factors that at that moment, we forget what's our initial aims and goals. Or the influence is too great that we gave up on them. Juz like how much we like a person. When she rejects you, or she feels something for someone else, or she's juz like somewhat out of my league, I'll feel dejected and the thought of giving up is always there to give me "a helping hand". I mean, perhaps giving up is good coz it saves you the pain and open u to more options. Then again, it juz shows how much u feel for that person. Maybe I'm too tired to move on to someone else. Maybe this is juz another excuse. So what things may be one-sided, I guess, like I always like to do, I'll juz wait. Start trying a little by little and wait. Waiting is perhaps juz another excuse. Create this comfort zone and then hum inside there. Haha. Maybe if someone who shows me the care and concern comes along, I'll move on? I don't know? haha. But maybe not. Juz use waiting as a reason to stay single. Concentrate on becoming a chef in the future. Haha. I'll still wait. Waiting...for...you...