Came back from section fieldcamp on sat and was totally shagged out. Not enough sleep and first time having to carry all those extra load above the FBO, the dummies and the section assets. Not to mention I'm a SAW gunner and my weapon rusted like fuck. Really had a 'good' time cleaning it when I come back, while looking at the SISpec peeps who're posted here book out. Wow, roxy. Kanna CDO duty and so, had to stay back till today morning to book out while the others are already home the night before. Nvm, at least I rested well in the wing line. Haha...but still tired now.

MY head hurts now. The injection that I've got from the doc juz now made me damn drowsy. Oh ya, did I mention I kanna stung by a hornet in tekong? Roxy. Luckily I was cover my neck with my hands while I run and that clown stung my right hand. If not, it would have gotten my neck and who knows, my instructor might be sending a state flag to my home. Haha. Now the whole hand is bloody swollen and my hand cannot close. = Nvm. Juz hope the swelling will go off before my patrol fieldcamp next week. Really hate to go outfield with that big right hand of mine which confirm hinders lotsa things.

My buddy told me that the thought of his gf kept him going on during tough times, like outfield trainings. Me, I don't know. Everytime I wanted to stop or even give up, somewhere in my mind it always tells me to go on, juz a little more. Yet,another part always asked 'for what? is there anything waiting for you at the end?'. Perhaps no. Perhaps I'm juz trying to push my limits and see how far it goes. Perhaps I'm juz trying hard to be someone else I'm not. Someday I might realise that all these are actually worth the effort, or maybe I might juz realise that I'm actually wasting my time. Juz needed a reason.

1 Round AWAY~! SIGN 3 EXTRAS!!!

Humm...that's the lightest one could ever get for firing without command in OCS. Poped an HEDP round when the command was "READY TO FIRE". Sian. Guess I wasn't in the right mind. Like I said to my officer, I've got no excuse, guilty as charged.

My mood, focus and mind are juz too easily influenced by the external factors. I tend to get to the more extreme ends of moods at the slightest breeze. Usually, tend to show only the more positive side of it only. Performance is eventually affected by the mind. Sometimes I find it quite interesting to listen to what my mind is saying when I'm doing something. For eg, when I'm running the SOC, during the run-down, my mind was saying, "What the *toot*. I can't believe I'm running this again. Why the hell are those people running so fast? blah blah blah..." Then, as I was doing the obstacles, "Don't block my way!!! Argg...no time... Over take that person in front! CHIONG AH!!!" As for the return trip, "The guy in front is walking...argg...how about taking a break...NO!!! CONTINUE JOGGING!! I heard footsteps behind, RUN FASTER!! DON"T LET HIM OVER TAKE!!!"

How the mind is playing tricks on myself. I realise that it's something what most people are going through in their heads when facing a problem or obstacle. We always wanna take the easy way out. Perhaps our focus are too easily swayed by the attractive phrase of "giving up" our mind are telling us. What's I've learnt from OCS this few weeks is no matter how painful, physically or mentally, things might get, as a commander, don't ever show it. As a man, or a boy-to-be-man, learn to take pain. If you give up, how can you expect people under you to go on when they see their leader giving up so easily? Maybe I've been practicing this all along, except that what is required now is of a deeper level and more pain.

Keep hearing from people asking me the same question, "What do you like about her? Got style and char isit?" I also don't know, that's why I never take any actions? Don't even know how that feeling or thought even come about. Perhaps I'm juz trying to divert my attention to someone else so I'll let go of another. Don't know lah. Like I said, I don't even know even if whether I should trust my own instincts or feelings anymore. Or rather, should I risk unpredictability anymore. I can take pain, somewhat my heart has ached till numbed to that feeling, it's juz that do I have what it takes to try and live with tt disappointment anymore? To risk friendship for something that might not work out. So many factors to consider. When I start to use head to love instead of my heart, I realise that I'm withdrawing back more. Haha... Don't know. You guys know? =

Cool, juz formatted by com and installed every single shit all over again. Lost all my datas and whatever juz because the com crashed on me. Oh yea, what a way to spend my book out time - rebooting my com. Didn't read up on that session formation drills tt I'm suppose to study on the net. Fark it. Pissed. Forget it.

Humm...last night had a class minor outing as usual. Maybe a group gathering would be better coz not even half of the class turned up as usual. Well, gotta talk about more personal stuffs when we sat at Starbucks for a drink and a chat. Although I'm always know as 'the pro' or the lao jiao in relationship, I'm nothing but one who experienced times and again of failure. Shan't try to avoid tt issue by pretending to be ignorant or change topic. Frankly speaking, if you're me looking at my world, you'll be like me - at a loss. I guess one of my weakness is that I don't give any road for myself to retreat when I think that something is important to me, I give all out. In that past relationship, I tried all means, all I could juz to be that very important person in her life, juz to make her happy and such, give most of my time to her and be there whenever she needed someone. I always thought that juz as long as I try hard enough, things will always work out. But love is different, once the feeling has shifted or is not there anymore, no matter how hard you try to hold on, try to savour, it's pointless. All I could was to juz stand there and try be strong. The heartache was so overwhelming that I can feel my whole body juz wanting to give up and lie there. I juz fought hard to keep all the emotions inside, never wanting to show anyone what I feel. I don't want anyone to pity me, nor comfort be coz I don't wanna feel dependent emotionally on them and experience loss again when they leave. If I can take it, I'll take it all by myself. If I can't, then I'll hold on till the last moment of my journey.

Juz as I was waiting for time to dilute the negative feelings, another person came. We got quite close together but I juz don't understand why things didn't work out. Perhaps she had someone else in mind and I'm juz a close friend to her, or maybe it's because I'm juz me. Somewhat, the feeling is like a knife I'm trying to plunge out of my heart slowly is pushed all the way back in again. HAha. Sensational. Sometimes I really don't know what really went wrong. PErhaps all along I carry all the false hopes around that gives nothing but failure. Humm...then the recent 'rumoured' person. Well...all I can say is I treat it as a passing feeling. I don't even know whether my feelings are correct or not coz I cannot rely on my own judgement and instinct in love anymore. I don't even know how to gauge or tell what I should feel. And surprising, my heart seems to be losing the ability to feel. Don't have the aches nor the strong desire to fall in love nor anything. Perhaps there is also a limit to the heart can take. Or maybe my heart has expanded it's capacity to endure more that now I don't feel much. OR simply numbed. So what if I really feel for her? She's goin to Uni where there's plenty of better guys to choose from. I'm serving the Army where time is basically a luxury to have. Which girl would want a guy who can't always spend time with her? Haha.

The greatest reason I seek love is perhaps to make myself useful in this world, a purpose in life. That person will be all my reason, drive and motivation to hold on no matter how tough things get. That person will give me the determination to move on coz I can always know that she's always here in my mind to get over anything that I might come across. Someone who I can trust totally to let into my world, someone whom I can talk to, someone whom I can show the weaker side of me to. This person is more of ideal than real. That's why she only exists in my mind only. I won't hope nor desire any one or any relationship anymore. When I learn to let go of things, I'll feel more free and truely be happy. =D

Humm...one word to describe I am now - tired. My headache is kinda killing and it's juz coz of the insufficient rest I'm having for the past week. All the trainings and one turnout in FBO makes me so dead. I even fell asleep a few times while lookin at the questions in my leadership test. Crap. My mind is freaking dead.

Had SOC cat test this week. Wow, the feeling of 4 dummy mags inside the SBO is really f-ed up. Only managed to clock 9.15 min for the run but was glad to be the few to have passed the OCS timing. Now my hands are filled with broken blisters and wow, an 'orgasmic feeling' when I out Qing Cao You on them. Gonna have the real test the week following next and the same week will be my session field camp at Tekong! HAha. The familar old place. Heard from my platoon mates who went Tekong for AHM training that there's a chio bu in Pegasus or Taraus Company in BMTC! Hahaha. Hope I have a chance to gauge his taste. =P A totally lined up and busy schedule is gonna follow and yup, song bo for me. Sometimes booking out has stirred up contradicting thoughts in me. One hand, I would love to hang out in the CV world and meet up with my friends and on the other hand, my body and mind are juz so tired that I would rather stay in bunk and sleep my day away. Haha.

Oh ya, read boon's blog and I'm like "thanks". Haha. Guess I'll be staying in Bravo wing for pro term and continue with the advance infantry course. =S More good overseas exercises to Thailand and Brunei (why no Taiwan?!?) and more physical trainings. Haha. If I'm "lucky", might even be posted to GCC (guards conversion course) and be treated like shit with a black bar for a period of time after comissioning. Haha. Look forward to more interesting stuffs in the near future. =D

REalised how little taggies I had and makes me wonder if ppl actually look at my blog. Haha. Watever, it's juz a little space I express my thoughts.

"We are moving into the Valley of the Shadow of Death where you will watch the back of the man next to you, as he will watch yours, and you won't care what colour he is, or by what name he calls GOD. We are going battle against a tough and determined enemy. I can't promise you that I will bring you all home alive. But this I swear...when we go into battle, I'll be the first to step on the field and I'll be the last to step off. And I'll leave no one behind...dead or alive. We will all come home together." -We were Soldiers

Watched this war movie and LTC Hal Moore juz inspired me more to be a good officer, a good commander. To lead by example, to inspire...some of the qualities I really wanna have. Being an officer is really a heavy responsiblility - especially one that concerns lives, sons of other parents.
These people under you are not your puppets, they will be your brother in arms, people who'll fight side by side with you. I don't like the way of the "I'm your superior and so you listen to me" way of leading. I prefer to have a group of people where we trust and work together juz like brothers, knowing that each will watch out for the other. Haha. Perhaps I'm really watching too many movies liao that everything I have the idealistic thought in my head. I'll work my way towards the ideal officer, commander, leader I have in my mind. I will not waste my time in OCS and be comissioned as an officer juz for the sake of the money and one black bar. I wanna change lives. =D

Another thought. I guess most people (guys) will wonder why the *toot* do we have to serve NS and waste our time. For me, I guess it's not wholely to protect this land we called HOME solely. I wanna fight for this land because those people I cared for are here. I fight for them. Yup. Juz don't wanna let them suffer in care of a war eh? Haha...kanna psycho-ed by my PC liao. He's really patriotic towards Singapore though he's not borned here. I must focus my thoughts on army during this NS...

Sidetrack a bit. Haha...same of topic I always had. During this 3 weeks of training, whenever I felt discouraged, felt like giving up, one person juz seems to come to my mind to give me that little mental boost to push on a bit more. I know that she's happy now with her prince charming. Haha. Everytime say that I'll move away from love or whatever crap but actually is no one will fall for a toot like me. I think I juz possess the qualities to be a good friend, an entertainer, an ok guy but not the one that one would consider for a boyfriend. Haha. Well...I kept all those little things she gave and yup...perhaps one day when I become stronger mentally and emotionally, I will walk away from the past, let go of the imaginary 'her' and search for that someone...if only she appears. =)

To LEAD We DARE!
To EXCEL We WILL!
To OVERCOME We MUST!

Wow...This 3 weeks is really quite hectic for me. Had a couple of tests (and lucky I passed both =P) and learnt lotsa stuffs in such a short time. Going to have a fam shoot of SAR 21 and SAW this coming Mon after getting to learn more about these weapons. Nav was the toughest one in these week. I remembered once I holan-ed while bringing my section for night navi and we got lost walking up a hill. Ended up doing down hill again and then re-calculate the coordinates and luckily, got my section to the chk pt. Haha. Really tiring coz the terrain of the hill was hard to move arnd. Then the best part was the Leadership Fieldcamp. Wow, imagined getting turned out early in the morning, getting pumped in FBO, then run about 2-3 clicks in the same gear, leapord crawlled a while in SBO gear in concrete ground and then run back in FBO. Shiok sia, life never been so 'good'. Another highlight was the Chemical Defence lesson. Got a chance to try out the chemical defence suit and wear a gas mask. Was to test the suit out in a gas chamber filled with Tear Gas. One part we were suppose to take off the mask and report of rank, name, NRIC, platoon, section and bed with our eyes open. Wow, it was sensational. It was like taking wasabi and rubbing it on my eyes and they teared like mad. And when I took in a breath, my whole throat was choked. Bleahx...wad an experience.

Today had OCS Leadership Challenge, OCS Family day and Carnival and OCS Aniversary celebrations. I took part in the tug-o-war and our team only trained for 4 days. Seriously, our Wing SM was GOOD!!! Nothing but good, outstanding, excellent, BRAVO! He trained us mentally and physically in such a short notice and imparted his techniques to let us defended the champion title BRAVO WING had always been getting. (lost only once 2 years ago in 7 years) YEY~! Felt damned good at the last pull where we pull down our opponent and all of us fell back to the ground while the opponent fell forward. The whistle was blown and I juz lied there on the ground, not wanting to get up. The feeling of excitment and happiness juz overwhelmed my as the fatigue sets in. Haha. CHAMPIONS!!! =D

Woot. Damn tired now. Not having enough sleep for the past 2 weeks and my mind is really shutting down every now and then to get a short rest. Haha...gotta rest now, update another time! =D