Alright, going off to SAFTI and stay for 3 weeks in like 6hrs time? Don't really wanna slp so much coz now, time here is precious... =S Today my mood kinda like sucked totally. Haha...maybe it's the pre-"ocs 3 wks confinement" syndrome. =P Feeling better now, after redesigning my blog to slamdunk theme. Need some brighter colours and that stupid face of yingmu to cheer me up and let me be more positive too. Heh. Humm...wonder what it's like inside. Hope things are not as bad and horrifying as heard.

Boon's right. Maybe I really lacked the confidence in myself- my abilities and potential. Perhaps I never really expect that I'll be of somebody big or what. Actually really hope that she's online now so maybe can juz say goodnight? Really think that I'm like an idiot. Don't even know her well, such differing interests and culture, it's like not even possible. Haha. Sometimes, really think that I'm too idealist and dreaming in my fantasy world that I can't differentiate reality and fantasy at times. Perhaps I was always hoping that a miracle could appear which never did. I was never good at expressing what I felt, opening up at what's inside. Somewhat, my gd buddies like boon, they juz seems to know what's going on in me, as in like reading my thoughts. Maybe I too hope that there's this special someone who'll be able to read my thoughts too. Haha. Expressiveness in emotions is certainly not my cup of tea. Maybe when I learn to master this skill of effective communication, I'll get my other half. =D Till then. I'll juz lead an army life. =

You are posted to: SAFTI MI
You Vocation is: Officer Cadet (CBT)

OCS! I made it to OCS! Miracle. Haha. Was extremely happy, excited, overwhelmed, etc... Haha...but suddenly, 3 weeks confined at SAFTI MI makes me depressed. -.- Nevertheless, more xiong trainings to come in the near future and yup, it's time to get back to army life again. Been really slack during this block leave, no self trainings, no vigorous exercises. Will have a hard time adjusting back to that kinda xiong lifestyle again. To Lead, To Excel, To Overcome.

Watched Smallville juz now. Wow, really looking forward to this new season of smallville and it juz has to be so luckily to start during my army life. Thanks. Haha. This episode gave me a thought - mind vs heart. Decisions made by the heart, usually ignored the general viewpoints of others but follow a rather more self desired choice. The mind makes rational analysis, deciding whether this choice will be right or wrong as deemed by the majority, whether it goes against the traditional values, morals or principles. So should we follow our heart or our mind? My heart tells me to go for this person if I feel something for her, if she sends a tingle to my heart. My mind says that I'm not even close to her, let alone know her. Given the present situation, it's not very likely to get any closer. Furthermore, she may already has someone else in mind. And blah blah blah goes all the logical counter arguments to the heart's viewpoint. Followed the heart once and the ending result proved otherwise. Followed my mind, then together with my heart and the result proved otherwise too. So both are like wrong? =S Or maybe I should juz be passive and wait for things to happen, which won't likely be. Haha. Whatever lah, juz act according as things come loh. Like I always did even in BMT, juz do whatever that's needed to be done and keep my low profile. =)

Watched the band concert at VCH on Last Sun. Woot, the way these peeps handle their instruments never fails to amaze me. For a musical idiot who can't even read scores, these musicians are truely performaning magic on stage. Haha. Sudden thought of this new phrase - Music is the art of musicians. Bball is the art of Basketman. =P

I've always tot tt bball is my art. The way my body moves- pentrating the defense and layup, jumping for a rebound, the way the finger archs to release a shot, the way the body waves thru the air... I could have chosen music but somewhat, perhaps tt's not the kinda challenge I wanted. I think that music is something about techniques tt can be perfected with lotsa time spent practicing and of course, played with feelings and emotion. Bball on the other hand, can too be perfected with lotsa training. Individual skills can be trained and like music, a group's coordination has to be trained on the larger scale of performance. However, what I see is that (on my POV), the challenge of uncertainty that bball brings me which music can't. The split second decision to be made based on the opponent always brings an extra challenge. Furthermore, bball is not something that you practice and that the layout during the game will be what you've practiced. Nothing is fixed and somewhat, you have to keep coming up with different plays for the different situations present. The present of uncertainty juz makes everything more fun, more interesting and of course, more challenging.

I don't really know whether love can also be linked to bball. In bball, I did suffer lotsa defeats. Losing to a better opponent, losing to a better team as such. Of course, losing is not a good feeling and I'll be kinda depressed, sometimes even hate myself or my teammate for not performing to expectations or doing crap mistakes. Yet, on the individual scale, I'll push myself even harder to hone my skills so as not to let myself taste defeat again. The desire to win perhaps, is kinda great. I'll pick myself up almost immediately to try again instead of wanting to give up on this sport. Yet love, is totally a different mentally. Every failure seems to have an extra devasting effect than tt of defeat in bball. Somewhat, I juz feel like lying in the mud after given a blow to the ground. All those "pick yourself up and try again", "stand up and move on" stuffs dun seems to work much. Somewhat, the tot of giving up always seems to appear. =( In this case, uncertainty is not something welcomed by me anymore. Haha... Maybe in bball, I know tt if I work hard, it'll pay off but in love, I don't even know whether my effort counts. Like boon said, maybe it's during the block leave when I'm like so free to think then these thoughts start coming to my mind. Maybe it's tt I'm too dependent on a mental source of motivation that I'm juz looking for someone to be my source mentally. Haha. Don't know lah. I guess no one will wanna be tt source lah, coz I'm juz too old-fashioned and plain to be their one. Perhaps one day while blending in the background, someone might juz stumble upon my presence and notice me. Hahahaha. =P

Haha, maybe the previous entry was juz some frustrations I'm venting out. Heh. Don't wanna give a damn about it anymore. The key to my heart, I decided to throw it into that endless stretch of sea. Maybe one day someone might find it and maybe no one will. Haha. Concluded that love is not my cup of tea. I'm like that wondering wolf always roaming about plains, never meant to settle down. I should give myself something to focus on time to time, juz like when I was in BMT. Too shag to have the time and energy to think about anything else. =D Humm...gotta start training again. Think that most probably I'll be posted to SISpec in Tekong. So, might as well start training now to get used to the momentum when I get there and at the end of the course, get the SILVER BAYONET!!! SISpec BEST!!! HAhaha. Let's start by achieving IPPT Gold first... =S

Seriously tired. Seems like the amount of sleep I'm having is still not enough to recover the energy I've lost during BMT. Guess I should be sleeping more before my block leave ends and I'll be back to more vigorous trainings yet agian. =

Problem. It has been bothering be ever since. One which I've not reach a conclusion yet after time and time again. I seriously need some good advices...

Is love really something that's necessary in this world? There're so many people out there who are single for life and ya, life still goes on. If it's not important at all, then why do this feeling keep surfacing every now and then to remind me of someone ever so important inside me? I really wonder if time heals all wounds... Boon told be about something that kinda triggered a sudden rush of saddness all over me. Read a blog about someone who was once so important to me. Somewhat still cared for this person despite all those things tt has happened. Things so long ago, why do they still have control over my emotions? Strangely, my heart didn't ache, didn't even hurt a bit. It has been a long long time since my heart felt anything. Sighz... Everything I came to this point of the road, I always choose to walk away, detour or juz turn back. The only feeling that love has given my now is emptiness. A growing emptiness eating away all that's left of my heart. Emptiness not because I've never loved before but perhaps I've tried loving someone but hasn't been truely loved before. The feeling of me being with the other person seems to bring her nothing but sorrow, hurt, pain, worries and many many more.

Ever since entering the army, I feel myself changing. Perhaps given a totally new environment, it's the best time for my inner self to surface. Too quiet, blending into the background, unnoticed are some of the things my PC told me during the interview. "Haha, you've gotta be kidding. That's not the Jh I know!" must be what you guys who've known me are thinking about. I'm never good at expressing my own feelings, emotions and thoughts, so I've chose to keep them to myself. I choose to laugh and joke and craze around ppl because I don't want them to worry about anything that might be bothering me. Sometimes, I really wished that there's this special person whom I can really confide in. Someone who listens to what I have to say and don't really comment or give advice or anything, juz let me let all those things out. Someone whom I can trust enough to let inside my chaotic inner world. I'm not a perfect person nor a saint. I'm juz a human. Perhaps even less than the average type who's trying very hard to find his worth in this world.

Maybe it's really destined that this perfect person to me is found non other than in my own fantasy world. Someone who I can trust to let know of all that's going on inside me. Someone who listens to me. Someone who appreciates me for who I am, what I am not because I'm special or unique. Someone who supports me along the way whenever I meet any obstacle. Juz someone who truely loves me. What an irony to find true love in this fantasy world. Haha... She virtual, I'm real. If I can, I would rather retreat into this virtual world but I can't.

After clearing up so of my thoughts, I realise that perhaps that I'm having for this person is not somewhat of love, but juz a need to be loved. Selfish isn't it? Luckily she don't know and will not know. Hahahahahaha... Don't wanna make the same mistake, making a confession only to destroy friendship creating 2 more strangers. Feelings are meant to be thought of carefully and then either shown physically or be suppressed mentally. For the matters of the heart, I guess I'll continue walking down the latter path.

P.O.P Loh!

Tired and happy, yet at the same time, a bit of sadness. Time really flies, coz I can still clearly remember the first day I embark on this Tekong island where uncertainties lie... Certainly, everything that has happened is really meaningful and memoriable. All the shit and the joy that have happened. I'll miss my commanders. The good old 'knock it down 20" and those "section level move, half-section lvl move, platoon lvl move" stuffs. Haha... The parade was great. The drill squad performance was near to perfect. Everything juz went smoothly. REally tired from lotsa drills for the past few days. Finally...a short break from army...

I really sux at love. From all those experiences I had, I still learnt nothing from them. Don't know. Tried going after someone with juz that feeling, failed. Tried waiting for sometime to make sure that the feeling is true and going after tt person, failed. Tried to be the best I can to another person, she left. Tried, somewhat trying is really something I'm not lucky in. I feel for this someone. Wanted to try, but will anything come out of it? Or maybe juz introduce another stranger into my life? ������蹇�宸茬��澶�绱�浜�... ��变��涓�浜哄ソ��撅�����涓�涓�浣���辩��浜虹�变����撮��... ��卞��澶����锛�涓���逛��涓�绠����... �����筹�� 杩���������������跺�ㄥ�����锛�淇�������������������...

Haha, everything was like hell for me this week. Here goes...

The most funny part is that our drill team managed to get the Champs for the drill com! That means I'm gonna march for my parents to see on POP! Haha. Horny lah, we got this dance steps incoporated in our drill. But, seriuously, our drill squad commander is not really that encouraging at all. What I feel is that he cares more about his own face and pride than that of ours. On our performance on games day, he managed to fuck up the whole show by forgetting to ke-blakang us and give the formation command which results in a total chaos but somewhat our team still managed to somewhat come up with the formation despite tt. I don't know lah, he said what privillages that the drill squad will enjoy but rite till now, I really have got nothing but shit from him. Nvm, juz hope that he doesn't cock up the show and sia suay us on POP.

Had 24 click last night. Started at arnd 2-3pm and ended at around 11 plus. Could say that my platoon's spirit got higher as the sky gets darker. Haha, wasn't really singing or cheering much initially but as the night falls, we're screaming and singing like nobody's business. I simply love that kinda high morale our troops have. Surprising, my body only really started to ache when everything's over when I put down my FBO. Was feel kinda sad when our CO talking to us, about our days spent here, about the shit and joy we had, about lotsa stuff. Time really flies, soon BMT life will be over and a new phase of army life will take over. Haha. Had this really strong feeling that I'll be posted to SISpec. Btw, I clear my SOC with a timing of 8.51 min! Haha. Song bo, 7 sec behind my platoon's fastest, making me the 2nd! =P Simply. IPPT was kinda disappointing coz my 2.4km run was lousier than the CAT test's timing. Hope I can achieve a gold by the next IPPT? =D

Well...tired. Think I gonna nap a while? Maybe write more later or on tue after I POP. =)