Cool, juz formatted by com and installed every single shit all over again. Lost all my datas and whatever juz because the com crashed on me. Oh yea, what a way to spend my book out time - rebooting my com. Didn't read up on that session formation drills tt I'm suppose to study on the net. Fark it. Pissed. Forget it.

Humm...last night had a class minor outing as usual. Maybe a group gathering would be better coz not even half of the class turned up as usual. Well, gotta talk about more personal stuffs when we sat at Starbucks for a drink and a chat. Although I'm always know as 'the pro' or the lao jiao in relationship, I'm nothing but one who experienced times and again of failure. Shan't try to avoid tt issue by pretending to be ignorant or change topic. Frankly speaking, if you're me looking at my world, you'll be like me - at a loss. I guess one of my weakness is that I don't give any road for myself to retreat when I think that something is important to me, I give all out. In that past relationship, I tried all means, all I could juz to be that very important person in her life, juz to make her happy and such, give most of my time to her and be there whenever she needed someone. I always thought that juz as long as I try hard enough, things will always work out. But love is different, once the feeling has shifted or is not there anymore, no matter how hard you try to hold on, try to savour, it's pointless. All I could was to juz stand there and try be strong. The heartache was so overwhelming that I can feel my whole body juz wanting to give up and lie there. I juz fought hard to keep all the emotions inside, never wanting to show anyone what I feel. I don't want anyone to pity me, nor comfort be coz I don't wanna feel dependent emotionally on them and experience loss again when they leave. If I can take it, I'll take it all by myself. If I can't, then I'll hold on till the last moment of my journey.

Juz as I was waiting for time to dilute the negative feelings, another person came. We got quite close together but I juz don't understand why things didn't work out. Perhaps she had someone else in mind and I'm juz a close friend to her, or maybe it's because I'm juz me. Somewhat, the feeling is like a knife I'm trying to plunge out of my heart slowly is pushed all the way back in again. HAha. Sensational. Sometimes I really don't know what really went wrong. PErhaps all along I carry all the false hopes around that gives nothing but failure. Humm...then the recent 'rumoured' person. Well...all I can say is I treat it as a passing feeling. I don't even know whether my feelings are correct or not coz I cannot rely on my own judgement and instinct in love anymore. I don't even know how to gauge or tell what I should feel. And surprising, my heart seems to be losing the ability to feel. Don't have the aches nor the strong desire to fall in love nor anything. Perhaps there is also a limit to the heart can take. Or maybe my heart has expanded it's capacity to endure more that now I don't feel much. OR simply numbed. So what if I really feel for her? She's goin to Uni where there's plenty of better guys to choose from. I'm serving the Army where time is basically a luxury to have. Which girl would want a guy who can't always spend time with her? Haha.

The greatest reason I seek love is perhaps to make myself useful in this world, a purpose in life. That person will be all my reason, drive and motivation to hold on no matter how tough things get. That person will give me the determination to move on coz I can always know that she's always here in my mind to get over anything that I might come across. Someone who I can trust totally to let into my world, someone whom I can talk to, someone whom I can show the weaker side of me to. This person is more of ideal than real. That's why she only exists in my mind only. I won't hope nor desire any one or any relationship anymore. When I learn to let go of things, I'll feel more free and truely be happy. =D