Humm...came back from Spade 2 and now, my physical fatigue level is kinda high. Juz so tired now. Muscles aching everywhere and all I wanna do is to get away from army life a while. Next tuesday still got platoon fieldcamp and a 16km route march on friday, right after the fieldcamp. Wow, roxy. Juz hope that I get to book out on friday coz I've secured my IPPT gold and sat's suppose to be remedial training for IPPT.

A feeling in my heart is juz still stirring. Haha...I live in the past memories. Somewhat I juz seek encouragement, comfort and strength from all the past memories coz somewhat, there isn't really a strong source in the present to motivate me. Perhaps juz needed someone to be here. Juz hoping for someone to walk along with me and let me know that all that I'm doing is worth it. Yet, don't think I'll try and look for that someone coz I've already lost faith in love. If something that makes me so disheartened, depressed and discouraged so many a times, I don't really think that it should be something that I should continue seek for. Perhaps I juz need someone to come and change all these views of mine. Haha...but I juz know. I know that day won't come. I'll continue to live in the past and in my own fantasy world. =

Humm...things have been going on quite smoothly for me for the time being. Juz when I was going to step down from CPC post, the platoon started to be more together, bonded a bit more closely and people start to think a bit more about the platoon than themselves. Haha...at least when you are working closely with a group of ppl, all the shit that comes to you juz doesn't seems so bad at all. Yup, hope things will really get better. Oh yea, chao sian...Exercise Spade was a disaster. Going to have another one on next Fri coz this one was raining damn heavily, everyone's morale was low, everyone dug not up to the standard and so on. Sian...but, nvm, juz do it loh. Suck thumb. =P

Humm...don't know. Haha. I wonder why but everytime I needed some encouragement or whenever I juz need someone on my mind, she's still the one on my mind. Realised that from that very day things ended and till almost 2 years now, everything still seems to be fresh on my mind. What she likes, all the things she does and juz every little thing. Sigh. Don't understand why I can't juz let go and never look back. But at least, she'll never know how I will feel inside. All I wanted her to presume is that I don't really care. Coz I don't know how to handle my own heart. If one day she's willing to get together again, I don't know what I should do either. Haha. My heart will definitely wanna get back but my mind juz can't give back tt trust. Not to say juz ur loved ones, even if it's my friends (more close ones), I give them 100% of my trust. I juz wanted to believe that if there's something they wanted to tell me or do, I'll fully trust their decisions. Maybe I'm too old fashioned or what but I always thought that when you love someone, you can only give your heart to 1 person only at a time. Sigh...don't know lah. Perhaps she's the one I ever feel so close to. The only female that's reach so close to me, almost till the same level with my close buddies that I wanted to let her inside and let her to all my thoughts but, yup, she left before that. Haha... Think back now, I used to worry about the both of us getting thru the tought NS phase but ironically, things ended way before NS even started. Haha.

Ha...I always said I will move on but yet, even though if I do, I'll still walk back and wait at the same spot, wait a while more, I always thought. Perhaps a while more is juz wat it takes for that little hope in me, for that impossible miracle to happen. I'm still there...waiting for that someone to occupy that space in my heart that's been for her even till now. I'm juz an idiot.

Realised how much my life has been upset since I've been into this premium institution called OCS. Realised how much I've not been together with my buddy basketball coz I juz feel so physically drained every weekend that I'm back. Realised how tired my face seems to be always. Humm...I'm really looking for a break. 1 month more plus to the end of service term and comes my 3 days break. Sometimes I really hate changes. I miss the old section during CLT. Even though things might get so shitty (but not as much as now) and our section might not be the best, our morale seems to be so high. Everyone is juz willing to motivate each other, push to the max and walk the extra mile. With people like Kian Wee, Jae, Jasper, Brian and Weijie around, life in OCS then seems to be much happier. Haha... Now, I look at the faces and attitude of some of the people I juz feel like showing them the universal sign and tell them to Foxtrot Oscar.

Never mind. Things will get better tomorrow. Next week is Exercise Spade. At least I can step down on my CPC duties during then and the Exercise CPC will take over. At least a little room for me to take a breather. =

If I'm a rubber band, I'm juz so curious juz how long more it'll take for me to juz snap. I've always given repect to all the people around, esp those in senior in terms or age or hierachy. Maybe I'm juz not doing enough. Maybe I don't really have what it takes to make it to be anybody. Or simply, I'm juz fucked up. I don't if I'm not trying hard enough, or juz I'm too soft, or I'm not cut for it. I'm really tired. If I could, I would rather give my life to someone else who finds life more meaningful than me. Everyday have nothing to look forward to except more demoralising things from instructers to inform me that no matter how fucking much I tried, or how hard I do stuffs, it's juz not enough and I'm nothing but a lump of shit. Leadership course taught us that morale is one of the uptmost importance in a unit's performance. Right now, I juz feel so worthless now and my morale was nowhere to be found but in the depths of a black hole. Haha. I really found no reason to smile nor laugh at anywhere, anytime, any day.

Confidence, thought I could find some here but instead, managed to lost most of it. Love, something everyone seeks and goes for me too but, I've been through much and lost all the courage nor ability to try hld on to it again. All I know that out here in the civilian world is nothing but a dream, a brief one where I'll wake up to find myself back into the nightmare that I'm to be in. Even optimism has left me. Haha, can only laugh at my own stupidity.

Don't even feel like talking now. Nothing else matters now. If only something does. If only I can see light in this dark I don't even know where and I don't even know where I'm heading place. If only I don't feel so tired. If only I'm not me.

Humm...feeling better after some sleep (although I'm having a headache now and is in need of more sleep) and hanging out with the old gang. I think everytime I hang out with the guys, I can feel happy coz I don't have to be someone I'm not, got nothing to prove nor burden to bear. Ah, the feeling of freedom. HAha.

After some thoughts, a situation arise can either make or break a person. Why do I choose to let it weigh me down when instead, I could use this opportunity to make myself a better person? For one moment, I'm weigh down by trying to perform of what OTHERS expect me to do. For one moment, I forget that I'm only human, I'm not borned to know everything. I'll juz have to fall and learn and keep repeating is procedure. I really feel like ooc-ing now but something inside me juz won't let me. Maybe it's pride or maybe it's my own conscious that sets me thinking. Do I want to let myself down again? To take the easy way out and give up, juz like I gave V up without a fight? I don't wanna regret anything anymore. I rather not try than give up halfway while trying. Haha.

Booking in later = ultra sian. =(

I've juz been selected as the new CPC, if you didn't know, it's the Cadet Platoon Commander. Wow, sounds like a great job, with great prospects and ya never know, you might juz score some merits and be the Sword of Honor! Wow, imagine from an outsider's view. This job is nothing but roxy. Being called in the middle of changing of attire and had to rush down within seconds, take care of the welfare and stuffs of the platoon, standardise all the things of everyone in the platoon. The roxiest of all, free physical training during stand by area! While others are juz standing there, I'm pumping for the mistakes they made which I've reminded them during the check I conducted earlier. Hoho, did I mention that both the area inspections the previous and today I did 100++ push ups while the other CPCs juz got a little fraction of what I've deserved. Haha. This is juz simply life.

This must be the start of a bad month. Bad things come like water spilling from a tap, spreading around so quickly. First, got some peeps juz throw their cloths arnd the laundry area that earned the whole wing a 24hr stand by area for the whole month of August + a report from each appointment holder (including me). Things juz gushed at me like a water from a broken dam that sometimes I don't even have time to breath before rushing off to another place. Sometimes I don't even know if I'm made to be a leader, less to say a good leader. I'm too soft, hardly have control of my peeps. I feel more like a follower coz I know I'll do the things that's tasked to me sui sui and don't give problems to the peeps in charge. I've always been lying in that background for years, juz doing things that's to be done and then fade out. I don't even know if this whole OCS thingy was a right choice afer all. All I wanted to if to build up the confidence in me, yet, I juz feel more and more worthless and useless as each day passes. Both mental and physical...so tired. I need a break. Everyday it's like I juz close my eyes and almost instanteously, it's the beginning of another day and everyday juz seems to be so dreadful. It juz seems like no matter how I try, it's not enough. Like the rule that governs this practical world, it's not the process that matters, all people see are results. Whoe cares whether you work hard or not, the fact is you failed and that determines everything, and the conclusion or judgement will be that you're not doing your work, you're lazy or you worthless lump of shit, like what the WSM said.

Right now, at this very moment, at one of the lowest points in my life again. Haha. So low until I can't find any reason to laugh or even smile to cheer myself up. I don't even know what or how I should feel, let alone act. Sighz... haha, book out to me is juz a time where I can feel less stress. Envy my friends. After all the crap they might get, when they book out they have something to look forward to - meeting their gfs. Despite how tired they might be, on the way to booking out to redezvous will bring a smile to their tired face. Me? Haha...book out loh. Maybe the only thing that kept me going lately if that I keep searching for the past memories of the times I spent with V. At least I'll try and work very hard coz I know I don't wanna let that person close to my heart down. Haha. Sigh... Maybe this is juz another test for me, or another chance for me to grow independent. To let me walk this alone without relying on anyone. To prove that I don't need love to survive. Another chance to change, to grown emotionless, numbed to all sorts of external influences. To not hold on to anything so that I can let anything go past easily, so that my heart can feel less burdened. So that I know that nothing matters much and I won't feel anything since nothing matters. I'll try slowly to seal off all emotions. Too tired of trying and in the end juz have to pick myself up to try again and again, even though I know I can't but I have to lie to myself that I could. Let whatever come and go, be it thought or things. Don't think about them and juz continue wondering aimlessly till I find out where I should go, what I should do.

Don't bother about this entry or anything. I'm juz feeling *toot-ed* up now and who knows, everything might juz be better after a good night's sleep.