Social night was great. Everything's great. Ann's beautiful. The food was good. The performance was excellent. The games were fun. Everything except me. Wasn't in for the formal situation that makes me seems not like me there. I'm juz not made for the seriousness of the occasion. Guess I really should say sorry to Ann for not being more entertaining and such. =(

Perhaps I could use some excuses to bail myself out. Wasn't really full of energy there. Was more tired than I'm usually were. Had a 15km ET run in the morning before the function. Wasn't really in the best of the health condition for this week, considering that I've been eating for at most 1.5 meal a day. Juz didn't have tt appetite. Had quite a big bacterial infection on both my elbows. Wanted to see the doc after bookin out on fri but somehow the big cock up of my beloved bravo wing adminstration resulted the wing in booking out at 1600 instead of like 1300 and I have to rush home and pick up Ann at 1830. Managed to see the doc this morning and I got a minor operation on that infected part. Kinda gross to see him cut up the top layer and squeeze and dig out the pus inside that cratered wound. After trying to act manly by keeping quiet while pulling my hair, I thought that my agony was over when all the gross shit was out but nope, he started cutting up a piece of swap and stuff them inside the crater and then bandaged it up. Now my hand feels so *toot* that I don't even wanna do anything other than sleep. Sian. New Year's Eve, the last thing I wanna do is to squeeze in the crowd and have more "wonderful sensations". The only wish I have for this New Year is that these infections will heal faster before I go to Thailand in 4 days' time.

I wonder if I'm one of the people living in the reality or running away from the truth in this world. I really admired people who have lotsa faith in their religion. Everything about them they can relate to God, the religion is their guideline in life, their destination in life, everything. If something goes wrong, they will overcome it with faith in their God. A sensitive topic - do God really exist? Of course lots will say yes, but has God ever appeared to many or seen or felt or heard? Perhaps I don't have the link to any Gods coz I don't feel anything from them. Throughout my 19 years, it juz seems like my family is my religion. My parents and sister guide me and mould be into how I should be, what I should become. Yet, they can only bring me to a certain point in my life, they taught me how to choose wisely and the rest of the roads I'm going to walk, is on my own. Feel like a little ant on a football field wondering what's next. Perhaps I'm too easily contented, power, money and success are not things I really desire in life. Juz be in the background will do. I guess moving on a different road really is a tough one. At least following the crowd won't make you feel lonely. Haha... Dreams...juz blabbering some nonsense. Sigh.

Christmas. A special day yet to me, juz another ordinary day where I juz can break free from army life.

Time really flies. Less than 2 weeks and I'll be off for Ex Cresendo. Haha. Humm...is easily contented a strength or a flaw? Most of the time, I juz feel that I'm easily contented. Everything I do, as long as the results are reached, it's ok. I don't ask for more, don't really have big ambitions or dreams unless they're something I feel strongly about. Perhaps my character hasn't really been on the strong side but rather like a flexible shadow that juz blends into anywhere in is and disappear out of sight. Haha. Cool sia. All the people arnd me are all potential great future ppls wif great insights of the future, dreams, goals and ambitions. Sometimes I do really wonder if there's anything about me that makes me outstanding at all. Haha. Everytime I'll juz shake of that thought and be that shadow again. Right now, there's someone in my mind and heart but yup, like how my mind and heart changed 1 year ago, I doubted my own abilities in being able to be someone else's ideal partner. Love and like are juz some feelings that will fade away in time. Feelings and emotions are meant to be kept coz, friendships are sometimes destroyed becoz of them. I don't know but that's what I see things. Haha. Feeling this certain peacefulness and calmness in my mind. I don't know if it's I have gain some enlightenment or that I've given up on trying on so many things that my mind has gotten this serenity. Well, it's a good feeling that I have which is like none. Oo Right-toe. Gtg now.

Merry Christmas to all! =D

Hush...silence.

Thoughts, emotions and feelings are all meant to be kept inside. Maybe since young, the idea instil in me is that as a man in future, you've to learn to be strong and take on the weight of many things. Be strong, what a vague term. Physically strong? Mentally strong? Emotionally strong? All maybe it's juz choice D, all of the above. I've never really talk about the things deep inside me with my parents or sis in my years of growing up. Maybe it's juz a habit cultivated throughout the years that I juz keep everything to myself and it's hard to let them out to someone even though I wanted to. Juz didn't know where to start or anything. Perhaps the only person I talked to most about lotsa my own stuff is Dets. Missed those days where we can juz sit around bus stops, beside his apartment's swimming pool or even anywhere and chat till the wee hours.

Don't know where I got this idea too but I juz feel that when you let someone into your world, it's like you're exposing everything to him/her - weaknesses and strengths alike. Somewhat I juz don't feel comfortable with the idea that that person knows so much about me and what if one day, that trust is juz betrayed. Won't I feel so vulnerable? Or perhaps that I'm not as strong as I seemed outside. Maybe I'm juz not sure if I can stand up after every blow like I always do. Coz I've felt my trust being betrayed once, and that once is enough to shatter all the naive beliefs I've had about things. Army has made me have less time to think about stuffs. It's good, in the long run, I'll juz learn to expand my capacity to hold stuffs and juz keep them to myself. Haha.

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Today juz feeling a bit pissed. Juz some unfair comments by my dad that makes me feel unjustified. "Everyday you juz sit in front of your comp and plae only, never even do some exercise or walk around." Wow. I mean it's totally true sia. That's what I've been doing throughout my whole NS life - playing comp games and not even exercising. It must have been a miracle I got my IPPT gold. All I can say is thx. Now I don't even feel like staying in home so much coz of all these good comments that I hear from my dad. Juz make me feel like a good-for-nothing asshole. Well, it's a good experience coz it juz teaches me to become more indifferent to others, to show nothing when it hurts inside and juz brush all those negative thoughts away. I don't care anymore, coz everything here I shld be contented wif and anything extra will be a bonus. No more expectations and hopes coz it juz dampens the spirits when things don't go my way. Be contented.

Juz finished watching "Saving Private Ryan". Haha, it was really one of the best shows of all times. Observed how Captain Miller (by Tom Hanks) portrayed himself as a commander. Realised lotsa things from him that I really could pick up. To learn on my path to becoming an Infantry PC.

Lotsa things that they teach in OCS is actually but...erm...basic. I think that the type of stress that you experience with your instructors screaming their lungs at you and questioning every decision you make is really totally different from the stress you will experience in a real war with bullets flying all around, people dying everywhere, explosions from arty fire, etc. But more importantly I guess, if I can even handle the stress that they give me during peacetime training, how can I even be sure that I can stay calm and focused during the real crunch time? Learn frm CPT Miller that you don't have to be perfect. Juz know your stuffs, be observant and make sure that at the given moment, that given situation and time, the decision you make can accomplish the objective with the minimum number of casualties.

Actually, a commander is no more different than a man. It's juz that you must be the one who can come up with plans, tactics to lead them to victory, to bring your men home alive. And when the time calls for it, no matter how scared you might be, you'll have to be the one to summon all your courage to be the first to go, or move in a fire fight. Coz you'll be than inspirational figure that your men can count on at their darkess moments, when everything seems grey, you'll be their light, even though, you too are flesh and blood like them. Also, the commander is also the one to be rational, logical and ethical despite anger, sadness and even despair flooding all over him. To act what's right instead of doing what your feeling tells you to. Treat all your men like your brothers coz in war, they'll be the closet family that you'll ever have. They'll be the ones to lay their lives for you juz as you'll lay your life for them; they'll be the ones to guard your back juz as you'll guard theirs; they'll be the ones who let you know that you're not alone on the battlefield.

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Haha. Suddenly the "brotherhood" feeling overwhelming me. The movie really is good. As good as "We Were Soldiers". Lotsa things to learn eh? Haha. Think I'm falling ill lately. Feverish, now my kneecap hurting from the 32 click route march, 13km and 5km maintance runs and the OCCT lessons...argg... Tired. Juz need more rest to recover myself fully. Humm...come to realise that the year is ending soon. Wow...time really flies. 9 months in the ARmy, 6 months in OCS, going Thailand early next Jan, commissioning in mid March, roughly 1 month after coming back from Thailand. Everything juz gonna weeze past me like nobody's business. Oh ya, found a date for my social night. Haha. Yey, no need to squeeze dry my brain juice to source for a date liao. Kinda looking forward to the 30th now. =P Heh. Now I've gotta worry for my commissioning ball's date liao. =S Well, that's if I get to commission eh? =S Blah.

"You all are the lowest life forms in SAF. You think that PTEs are the lowest ranks in the army? You all are f**king wrong! Your 3 white bars are not even higher ranking than the PTEs! Get that f**king idea now?!?" - LTA KAL

Somewhat quite true. Was doing some clear up at the dinning hall after the commissioning thingy. Everyone was pia-ing coz it's abt what's the booking out timing. In the midst of all the chaos can see some PTEs, LCPs and CPLs slacking around and even sit down to talk. All the white bars areyet, doin work. How true can the quote above be? Haha. Seriously I really didn't cared much liao. Too used to doing lotsa shitty stuffs that I'm immued to it. A thing that tickles me is that some clowns are just too smart for their own good. "Why must we do this? I mean it's stupid." "Aiya, if we everytime keep quiet keep quiet then we're juz like typical Singaporeans." -.- Things happen for a reason. Some things are done for a sole purpose and if ppl juz wanna change things for their own selfish reasons that dun serve tt purpose, what's the use then? Juz use ur brains, think first, then talk. Smart jiu hao, don't act smart.

Don't care about these small things that juz tickles my nerve. Had an IPPT today again. Sort of a re-confirmation of our standards after Lancer. Luckily, I managed to scrape a gold timing run for my 2.4 . Haha. Song lah, no more interval trainings for me liao. =P More seriously, think that I should start maintaining the standard of my physical esp I'll be an Infantry PC who rely mainly on the BODY. LOL. Heard got SOC somewhere soon too. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR~!!! >.<