Hush...silence.

Thoughts, emotions and feelings are all meant to be kept inside. Maybe since young, the idea instil in me is that as a man in future, you've to learn to be strong and take on the weight of many things. Be strong, what a vague term. Physically strong? Mentally strong? Emotionally strong? All maybe it's juz choice D, all of the above. I've never really talk about the things deep inside me with my parents or sis in my years of growing up. Maybe it's juz a habit cultivated throughout the years that I juz keep everything to myself and it's hard to let them out to someone even though I wanted to. Juz didn't know where to start or anything. Perhaps the only person I talked to most about lotsa my own stuff is Dets. Missed those days where we can juz sit around bus stops, beside his apartment's swimming pool or even anywhere and chat till the wee hours.

Don't know where I got this idea too but I juz feel that when you let someone into your world, it's like you're exposing everything to him/her - weaknesses and strengths alike. Somewhat I juz don't feel comfortable with the idea that that person knows so much about me and what if one day, that trust is juz betrayed. Won't I feel so vulnerable? Or perhaps that I'm not as strong as I seemed outside. Maybe I'm juz not sure if I can stand up after every blow like I always do. Coz I've felt my trust being betrayed once, and that once is enough to shatter all the naive beliefs I've had about things. Army has made me have less time to think about stuffs. It's good, in the long run, I'll juz learn to expand my capacity to hold stuffs and juz keep them to myself. Haha.

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Today juz feeling a bit pissed. Juz some unfair comments by my dad that makes me feel unjustified. "Everyday you juz sit in front of your comp and plae only, never even do some exercise or walk around." Wow. I mean it's totally true sia. That's what I've been doing throughout my whole NS life - playing comp games and not even exercising. It must have been a miracle I got my IPPT gold. All I can say is thx. Now I don't even feel like staying in home so much coz of all these good comments that I hear from my dad. Juz make me feel like a good-for-nothing asshole. Well, it's a good experience coz it juz teaches me to become more indifferent to others, to show nothing when it hurts inside and juz brush all those negative thoughts away. I don't care anymore, coz everything here I shld be contented wif and anything extra will be a bonus. No more expectations and hopes coz it juz dampens the spirits when things don't go my way. Be contented.