Booking in seems to be something I look forward to today. Realised that OCS is like this little cave that I can hide in away from the outside world. Worry about nothing much except that every mistakes results in physical punishments or extras or even RCPs. At the end of the day, it's still lights out at 2230hrs unless going outfield. Miss the times when I'm on duty on weekends or juz book out later than the others on a Saturay. The quiet wingline - peace and serenity. The kind of place I enjoy sitting doing nothing, thinking nothing, feeling the cool breeze on my face and seeking company amongst the stars. No worries, no responsibilities.

The best reason to push on if for my family. Make my parents proud, let them have a good retired lifestyle. Give them the best in everything. That should be my purpose and goal in life now. They've worked hard for this family and I can only repay by working doubly hard to ensure that they don't have to worry about anything in future.

Commissioning in 14 days' time.

Tiring first parade rehearsal.

Reflecting, thinking wondering about all the things going around so far.

Solitude in my little own cave.

Boon commented how my blog entries sounded the same everything and perhaps putting a "refer to previous entry" would be great. Haha. Cool. I always thought that I'm on the way past the living my life the way I want it to be and not the way others want me to be but maybe I'm wrong. Yup, blogging isn't really like a private journal where I can write all my thoughts and so freely or unleash all of them out. Maybe juz a place to update others on what's happening and sorts. Thoughts and emotions are juz best left unknown to others and kept inside like I always believed. Opening up is juz telling everyone how vulnerable I am, how weak I can be. Shall continue writing in my journal from now on, this blog, will be something maybe, what others want to see. I'll juz revert back to the original state.

Went ot NTU bash. More of a club instead of a pub. Still couldn't understand why people like to go there in the sleazy environment and hop or shake around and call that dancing. Had a little bit over my alcohol limits and I didn't feel high like they said, juz a splitting headache. A lousy feeling where somewhat, slowly losing the control of my body and can seems to be able to go where I want my legs to go. Won't even drink that much next time. Or maybe not even drink. Shall stick to my stand and never go clubbing or pubbing again.

Seems like another troubled soul is waiting. Juz gotta say sorry for last night coz I juz blabber a lot of rubbish despite knowing that it's kinda insensitive. Blame it on the alcohol! =S Perhaps waiting is juz a reason. A little hope that you give yourself thinking that perhaps time can change her perception, perhaps sincerity can move her. If you seriously think so, then continue work hard and not be passive about it. Don't hold back and give it all out. At lesat if that fails, then you can give yourself no reason to wait further more and move on. Still don't understand why inside me there's a strong desire to find a partner? Is it juz some primitive instinct left down generations from our anscestral apes that we need to carry on the life cycle? Why do you feel happier or more peaceful or even complete with that person around? Still searching for some answers. Musics, medias always promotes about how great BGR is, how important is love. Perhaps that's another reason why since young we've been psycho-ed. Perhaps it's juz an act from failure like me. Haha. Finding other means to replicate the feeling good part without a gf. Finding other ways to make my life complete. Juz like bball comp recently, it kinda refreshed my old flame. If I try hard enough, stay focus and give in all I've got, I know that winning is within my reach. There's no need for another uncertainity like BGR, having to consider the decision of the other person. It's juz whether my skills are more refined and my physical is more honed. Saving up enough money to get a golden. Perhaps a dog is the closest subsitute to a gf. Although there're many things that cannot be reciprocated, at least a dog is a loyal companion. Some many things that we can learn from a dog. =)

Won Bravo Wing 3 on 3 bball comp.

Tiring day, as usual, listening to all the whinings of the peeps when their bookouts are delayed.

Come back home and realise my dad planted a cupboard that he brought back from his workplace and put it in my room. Juz feel kinda pissed coz my room is always like the house storeroom or where they dump the books and stuffs. HEY! I'm 20!! NEXT YEAR I'll BE AN ADULT LIAO! Can I juz have some respect or even some privillge as a soon to be adult? Can I be asked of my opinion before any decision is acted upon on my living quarters? Or coz I'm not living under my own roof so I have no say? Forget it. Feeling pissed and irritated and bad mood now. No point writing, juz leads to more negative things. Go sleep soon.

Went out for a stroll in the park. Quiet and peaceful. A place where I can get away from the crowd, get away from interacting with people in one way or another. A pity that there is no stars tonight. Too clouded, something that Seng would have preferred instead. =P Some quiet moments with myself to let the emotions revert back to stability, let the balance return back and feel that cool breeze. Everything will be better after a good night's sleep...

Somewhat I'm afraid. Afraid of failing, afraid of lotsa things. I look at her, so many charming and handsome guys around her. What about me? I don't even see a place where I could stand near her. V used to have lotsa guys around her too and then I thought that trust and perhaps...love, could see that the bond is strong enough to stand anything but, in the end things still tilt against my favour. Perhaps I'm juz not that special, or a bit outstanding. I could never be that smart like boon, artistic like jun or fun-loving like seng. All I can do is to do those silly little useless things and think that they're so thoughtful or so called romantic. What can I even use as my trumph card to give myself an edge over others? None...really. Come back to the same point, the same junction where one would take me to the road where I would juz continue trying and the other, juz draw back and go back to that little bomb shelter where my heart would be safer. I don't know, perhaps giving up that easily on love has always been my trademark. Why bother trying in the first place? That little insignificant bit of hope that I see that I might succeed? I don't know. Simply. I know I need to move on and stop being frozen in that part of time when the whole world has moved on but I don't know how...

Many things juz go on around me that makes me damn tired. Tired of expecting of others. Tired of telling. Why can't everyone juz play their own part and do a nice job? Why must they slack around when a task is given to them and not even feel anything when others are doing their job for them? Why must those who worked beyond their 'job scope' still get punished with those who loathe around when the overall work is not done? Why can't they have some self-discipline? Book out, welfare, more rest time and all these shit is what they keep asking for but since when did they even work for it? Yet those who worked hard were seldom heard of requesting of such demands. So this is the balance of nature others are talking about. Some smart assholes will juz find ways to relac one corner and some idiots will clean up their shit for them. Tired. Tired of seeing the starting bit of how ugly and f-up this whole society is about. Disappointed, juz like what love has showed me. Not everything is about trying hard, working hard and helping around coz in the end, these fools are still the ones who get all the disadvantages.

Shutting out to lotsa things, lotsa people. Will only help, talk, advice and be there for those who are worth it. I give up on the others. I'm not a saint. I'm no holy man. I'm not even special. I'm juz a little boy who spent 20 years thinking that everything can work on his idealistic views but his mom is still right, the world is not the way he thought it is. He's lost. Not knowing where to start, where to move on to. Not knowing everything around him. He's tired.

Juz watched Fearless. Must say that it's really an excellent show. It brought out the true meaning of martial arts. To reach that state like Huo Yuan Jia must really take lotsa discipline and self-control - the way of a true master. Another take away from the show is that most of the time, our greatest enemy is our own self. each decision we make, everything we do everyday, we're fighting an inner war. Whether the choice is good or bad, in the end we have to bear the consquences.

Juz lived 20 years of my life. 20 years, sounds little but to me, it's 2 decades. Don't even know what I've really accomplished in life till now. Maybe it's good to stay forgotten, to juz be in the background and to be someone that no one will clearly remember coz there'll be no expectation, no judgements, no disappointments. As I grow older, seems to live this supposedly special day like any other day coz somewhat I realise like the person that goes with it, it ain't much of any special at all. Perhaps all I can look forward to is being gagged and cable-tied and then striped while enjoying all the good stuffs poured all over me when I book in tomorrow. Haha, life as an army boy. Don't know. Still looking for that purpose in my life. Still searching for something special about me. Trying to convince myself that I gotta be unique in some way, at least to someone. Maybe not. I don't know and guess I won't know any sooner either.

Perhaps you're the only person whom I hoped so much to juz wish me a "Happy Birthday". Guess you don't know and won't ever will. Sometimes I wish I have more courage, to go on despite all the doubts or to give up and walk away. Don't wanna stay in this half-half situation where I juz don't know what I want. Maybe...I don't know what else to do except smile. =)

Some many things to say yet nothing said.

Woke up one day and realise that the person you've always been thinking of, the person whom has played an important part in your life, the person whom's with someone else now, that person, has changed. Who you've been waiting for is the first time you met her where perhaps, you juz happened to be there when she needed someone. Juz happened, sounded like an accident. And she used to thought that she'll lose you to someone whom you've been waiting for 3 odd years. Sometimes you juz can't help wondering why things turn out the way they are. What's the reason or simply, coz it's you? If it's someone else, things would have turned out differently?

Perhaps loving someone wholeheartedly is juz too tiring, especially when you leave yourself with no turning back and juz walked into a big block of wall and found her nowhere in sight. I've sat down there waited long enough, only to see from afar, her walking with another guy by her side and yet, still refuse to get up, hoping for a miracle. Time to wake up. No longer hope coz hope is really a double edge weapon, the ability to heal and wound. Juz take everything as it is and whatever that comes after will juz be a bonus.

Juz some morning thoughts.