Saturday, February 11, 2006
Somewhat I'm afraid. Afraid of failing, afraid of lotsa things. I look at her, so many charming and handsome guys around her. What about me? I don't even see a place where I could stand near her. V used to have lotsa guys around her too and then I thought that trust and perhaps...love, could see that the bond is strong enough to stand anything but, in the end things still tilt against my favour. Perhaps I'm juz not that special, or a bit outstanding. I could never be that smart like boon, artistic like jun or fun-loving like seng. All I can do is to do those silly little useless things and think that they're so thoughtful or so called romantic. What can I even use as my trumph card to give myself an edge over others? None...really. Come back to the same point, the same junction where one would take me to the road where I would juz continue trying and the other, juz draw back and go back to that little bomb shelter where my heart would be safer. I don't know, perhaps giving up that easily on love has always been my trademark. Why bother trying in the first place? That little insignificant bit of hope that I see that I might succeed? I don't know. Simply. I know I need to move on and stop being frozen in that part of time when the whole world has moved on but I don't know how...Many things juz go on around me that makes me damn tired. Tired of expecting of others. Tired of telling. Why can't everyone juz play their own part and do a nice job? Why must they slack around when a task is given to them and not even feel anything when others are doing their job for them? Why must those who worked beyond their 'job scope' still get punished with those who loathe around when the overall work is not done? Why can't they have some self-discipline? Book out, welfare, more rest time and all these shit is what they keep asking for but since when did they even work for it? Yet those who worked hard were seldom heard of requesting of such demands. So this is the balance of nature others are talking about. Some smart assholes will juz find ways to relac one corner and some idiots will clean up their shit for them. Tired. Tired of seeing the starting bit of how ugly and f-up this whole society is about. Disappointed, juz like what love has showed me. Not everything is about trying hard, working hard and helping around coz in the end, these fools are still the ones who get all the disadvantages.Shutting out to lotsa things, lotsa people. Will only help, talk, advice and be there for those who are worth it. I give up on the others. I'm not a saint. I'm no holy man. I'm not even special. I'm juz a little boy who spent 20 years thinking that everything can work on his idealistic views but his mom is still right, the world is not the way he thought it is. He's lost. Not knowing where to start, where to move on to. Not knowing everything around him. He's tired.
11:58 AM
