Drive.

Sometimes it's really frustrating to play team sports. Especially when you ain't winning and you know that it isn't the skills that's the factor. When you see that your teammates ain't putting the same amount of effort, ain't trying that had, ain't pushin enough, that's what makes me pissed off. Actually shouldn't blame anyone. I should be the one at fault. I ain't strong enough and skillful enough to win the game all by my own power. Like MJ, he's able to single handedly crush any defense or offense by himself. I guess I still have to work harder on my game.

Last night game was alright. At least I took it seriously. Physically and stamina wise, still gotta buckle up. Been a long time since I took winning so seriously. All the talk about why care about winning I've said before is bullshit. Lying to myself. No point in playing if I don't win. Enjoying the game is juz part of the process but winning is the ultimate goal. Feels good, to know that I'm still able to dominate over some. Juz need to polish up more to get to a greater height. Gonna train to the level where I know that I'm da best in my area of speciality. Whoever's comin to challenge will know that theyre gonna have a tough time hustling with me for the backboard.

I LoVe the GAME.

Patch Adams

A truely, touching show I must say. Somewhat I feel can relate so closely to life. There are times, in fact lotsa time, we really feel lost, feel like there's nothing we can relate to, hold on to, as if you're juz that 1 outstanding outcast in this whole wide world. Start lookin, look everywhere for that purpose for one thing in that show, a meaning might come from the most unexpected places, people. Everyone has something to offer, to teach and it's juz whether we are open to it or not. Yea, most of the time we say "yea, we're learning from everyone, ya." Ge lan. Subconsciously we're shutting out those things and people whom we deem are inferior. True. Don't believe? Try a kid next time. When you talk to them, your mind starts telling u to juz take them lightly coz they don't know anything. That's the mental model. To me, kids are great teachers. Juz because they don't have a fixed set of crap guiding their lives, they think of things, solutions that we assholes do not, that we deemed are unworkable or highly unlikely. Open up guys, don't be like an asshole, although important but still give out nothing but crap. Free up your mind and start to notice all the things around, no matter how insignificant or unimportant, who knows, they might give you some insights that'll change your life forever. Once you found that aim, hold on to it tightly and never let go.

Another takeaway. Everyone is so safe in their own comfort zone, including me. Not many people dare to venture beyond their own boundaries into the unknown. We all juz don't wanna be too outstanding in the different sense. People start to reject others who deviate from the normalities, although this batch of people might have a better solution or idea. We block out whats different coz human nature hate changes. If it ain't broken, why fix it? Yet, why not think this way, if it can be better, why not modify it?

Listening is an art. I'm learning. Hearing and selective listening are what I'm still doing. To hear is juz to let the words pass by without processing them and yup, the next one is juz picking out parts of the speech and process them, without knowing the whole picture. Listening is a powerful tool coz, there are lotsa hints, clues about this person from his/her words. Why do human not open up to each other? Humans nature itself is not so trusting, one can tell whether another is sincerely listening or juz entertaining you by hearing. Your body language tells it all. Start looking the other person deep into the eyes while talking, pick out every word that they say and run through your mind. don't formulate any questions or facts, don't disrupt, let them finish what they say. Don't rush into saying anything, think through and talk.

Lastly, I guess the movie juz tells me one more thing. It always helps to have 1 more idealist around. This world is enough of realistic people around, bending over to the harsh conditions of reality and although idealistic views and dreams are really far-fetch or beyond reach, but these are really the bunch of people that tries to change the way things are now. They're the one whom will change the lives of others. They make things better coz they believe in them. Everyone has dreams. When we're kids, we dream big, dream about being somebody we want but we seldom dream about having a job to pay for bills, car installments, school fees, etc... Don't juz be a slave to the money. so what if you own the world, in the end your greed will still ask for more and you'll forever not be contented. Not the point. Well, start looking back at your dreams. Think of all the wonderful things that you used to think of. Go for them, you're never too old to dream. I never dream of having someone I love when I'm small so why do I wanna worry so much over it now? I dream about doing all those moves like Mike. that's what I'm gonna do now. Don't think about how the end will be like coz you'll never know till you try. =)

Yey, finally got a new pair of sneakers~! Haha, bought the same model with boon exp for the diff colour. So we decided to be a bit guai lan and we changed 1 shoe each and yup, now we have 2 colours~! =O haha. Had a bball game with him and his bro. Although I admit that me and boon was a bit cui but his bro is totally CUI!!! Hahah. Tired so fast. Lol. Must be the lack of exercise. But the game was really good, long time no so shiok. Kinda kanna tok for the first 3 games but yup, each lost served as a greater motivation to make the next game a better one and yea, managed to save some face by winning the next 3 rounds. Really rusty, all my reactions turning slow and def gettting weaking. Gotta change some of the bad habits of mine...

Haha, boon so sian ah..think he's in that "lian ai qi" (love season) liao. Haha. Commenting abt how sian he is and maybe getting a gf is a good idea. Lololol. Hints to all gals out there. Lol. (told u I help u promote urself!) Haha. Humm...still wondering...should I go run or play bball in the morning? Or run in the morning and play bball in the evening? Humm....tough decision. =S Never mind...wake up liao then decide. =D

Had another session with my old friend after work. It's really been a long time when I have half the court to myself and I can have some own personal space. Tried the jumper, the one I'm still trying to master. To brake suddenly from high pace and ge the shot in is really hard. Managed to get a bit of the insight as to how to be more consistant. Attempted to dunk (again) and arg...juz a bit more. Almost managed to excute my dream move. Haha. Never mind, gotta start whipping my body into shape so I can enjoy the game more. Humm...really gotta get a pair of sneakers. The running shoes don't really have the friction and grip coz I almost fell down upon trying to make a sharp turn during a simulated penetration. Haha. Trying to imagine 1 on 1 with someone and trying to beat his defense eh? Lol. I juz need more pattern to make my playing style vary more so it ain't so predictable. Heh. kinda shag...argg...need to exercise more... ZzzZzz...

Was going home juz now when I sudden saw the court and yup, I have a bball with me and so, off I went for a late evening bball session with my old friend. REally lao liao...Can't even have a proper aim, can't get the ball through the hoop smoothly at all and yet, kinda bad at controlling the bball too... It's really really been a long long time since I have properly spent some quality time with this old friend. Thinkin back at the earlier days when I started playing the game and lotsa things juz flash past my mind. Realise that how I'm blinded and lost with all these external factors from my surrounding that I lost the passion and love for this game that used to be most important in my life. Hate the people who keep discouraging me at my dreams of playing in the uni varsity team. How they question my abilities and capabilities, doubt everything and stuff. I admit I'm not as talented as others who's in the national team or so but yup, I'm willing to devote my time and energy in practicing to make myself better. I don't have talents to back me up but I'm sure hard work will help compansate for it in a certain way. Don't care, start getting back in shape for some decent games. First, I'll get myself a new pair of sneakers.

The game that bonds a group of people strongly together seems to have weaken. Perhaps some has found other aspects of life worth more of their attention and some others, gone after some other distractions. Doing silly things, trying out stunts and getting everyone involved, everyone doing different things and in the end, the magic will mostly put out a win. Now, the magic seems to disappear. Roles seems to have been more distincted, you get the ball, shoot and that's it. Never go in, never mind, there's always this particular guy who'll get the ball for you. Don't worry. The ultimate aim is to win. Winning is everything. Where has the fun gone to? Where has all the zest and energy into doing some stunt plays that turns out beautiful at times gone to? Why suddenly the conforminity to the standard boring plays? Has growing up dull the creativity? Where's the curiosity and dare to venture into unchartered terriorities gone to? Have we been too comfortable in our so-called some 'high standards' in the past that we trap ourselves up at the edge of a cliff where failing becomes so scary? Last time we're juz a bunch of nobodys playing a game we like. Now we're still some nobodys. Let's go back to playing the game. Let's have some good old fun.

Juz can't help but feel disturbed after reading some of the stuffs. Maybe I should juz voice out a bit instead of being indifferent most of the times.

This period, don't know. The time when everyone juz feels so sian about one another? Like knowing each other for so long and yet, when you think that you wanna do something to up the relationship but do the same old things seems so sian. Everytime do also yields the same results. Have to admit, I also felt quite sian, or rather monotonous. Feeling that I'm in this transition in life where I really feel damn lost about where I should go, what I should do or even why the f am I even here? Then all the negative injects from the surroundin peoples ain't improving my situation either. Play bball for example. It's a happy thing in the past, used to juz play hours for hours and yet can still keep up the zest, the positiveness but now, it seems like losing is a no-no thing. Everyone expects everyone to be of that standard. To be specific, look at how JS bs jun on the sat bball. I know jun hasn't touch bball for a long time that's why I don't really wanna pressume that he's the one he is before he left. Wanted him to play coz since he's back let him enjoy the game. I know that sometimes his attitude seems like he's juz not putting his 100% and then losing the game is not justifable, but can't we not just concentrate on the result and enjoy the process? Is winning that all important?

I don't really like to fight for something with another person if I know that it can be important to him/her. I really hate myself for that. Sometimes I regret lettting things slip by, opportunites given to others coz I let them flew past. Juz like I let her go off. Ever since that incident, I'm somewhat looking for something, may it be a physical thing or a purpose, a spiritual stuff to let me hold on to. To tell myself that at least that there's something important in this life that I will not let go no matter what, something that I want to fight and protect to the end but...nope, I can't find it. I don't know. Maybe that's why I find living and doing the things I' doing now quite meaningless? Juz like going through the motion, waiting for time to pass so that I can wait for the time to come when I can return to the soil.

Sidetracked too much. Maybe the friendship is no diff from the BGR? There comes a point where 2 or more people are together for so long that they no longer know what they can do to spice up each other's life? To add some sparks and fireworks to light up the dull world that's becoming? Guess we should start to expect less and accept more... I don't know. I never knew anything. I'm juz always blabbering some nonsense. =

Lost in a Crazy World

Ok...clubbing is not the thing for me I guess. Won't go and jio gals like seng or jun coz maybe they ain't really my type? Haha. Talk about jio, seng is good...kanna jio by a gal. WAHAHA. His worst nightmare~ Kanna kah youZ. =D HAhahhaha. Roxy. Cut my hair today, means I'm back to the old lifestyle liao. Time to exercise liao, all the alcohol and food is making giving me a united tummy. Hahaha... Sadded, down with a stupid block nose with all those seemingly endless supply of mucus inside making my life miserable. To go with it, a sore throat and cough. Yey, the unpenetratable immue system of JH is down. Yey, feels good to be sick once in a while, at least shows that I'm still human. -.-"

Played a while of bball recently. Really really lost the passion and drive while playing the game. REally. Having this sian feelin lingering inside that makes me feel nothing but SIAN. Humm....time to have a good 1 on 1 time with my old buddy liao...rekinder the love. =D Maybe I'm too engross into other aspects of life that I neglected this loyal and wonderful friend of mine. Time for more game time. =)

Been a tirring week. Tot I could have a decent rest coz I've planned the leaves and off till next next mon but now...tml and next week's off will be cancelled. Some stupid last minute course. WTF. Never mind...SAF is all about suck thumbs.

Went clubbing with jun, fu, seng and benji on wed. We opened a bottle of volka and was planning to finish it before goin in. Haha...seng was disappointing loh...so fast seh liao...told u not to down so much at 1 go. See lah..miss ur chance with ur pjc gal. =P Don't know if it's my capacity for alcohol increased or I didn't drink much, I wasn't high or even a least a bit drunk... Most prob...I think it's my bad flu tt's keeping me awake and alert. Zuok. Loud music, a big crowd, smoking atmosphere, seems like the moment u shake ur head, the lightings and the smoke will get u into trance. Haha. I wasn't too comfortable with the body rubbing body idea coz I usually try not to get into physical contact with anyone I dun noe but seems like there, nobody cares. Haha...saw this gal there. For a long long time, I think that I looked at a gal into the eyes for so long. I mean this is juz like the passer-by thingy? If only I have more courgae to go and talk to her. Haha. nah...not yet. Maybe I should try to melt my icy world first.

Tired sia...Running an in camp is really not as slack as you think. Almost slping at 1-2 am and waking up arnd 6++ in the morning daily. Feeling burnt out, esp when I didn't really get a good rest this weekend having a bbq @ ECP and followed by night activities like night cycling and blading, then watchin the soccer match at mac. Came back today only to catch a short wink before waking up by a phone call only to find myself late for the bday celebration for BC. Haha. Rush here rush there sia... Never mind, after this comin Wed, won't be goin back to camp most prob till 18th. Only offs and leaves. Can go thuang with Jun also since he's back. Heh. Find more things to do. Make my holidays more enrichin and exciting. HAha. Gotta rush back to camp now. =S

How long have I been like this? Aimless, meaningless... Don't know. Perhaps the once in a while short term goals and happiness have masked the fact at how empty my heart and soul are feeling. Is there something that I can really look forward to each day when I open my eyes? Or am I juz to wake up wishing that the night would come and I could go back to sleep again, hoping that I'll dream of something that'll make me feel more complete? Read ZR's blog and a title struck me "They call me SIR, but I'm not a SUPERHUMAN." True. Watched Superman Returns. Wished that I could fly that when I feel unhappy I could juz fly away into the sky, amongst the cloud and seek solitude into some unknown place. The only place I can fly away to is only my own fantasy world. Sometimes I really forget who I am, how I should feel or rather how I can feel... When I want to get in touch with that lost self, I don't know when and where to start. Silence is a powerful tool. I'm on the way of mastering it to hide the emotions I don't want to show - anger, frustration, sadness, unhappiness...when I feel like crying. Crying, I even forgot what it really feels like to cry. I remembered how torn I felt once and I promised not to let a tear drop anymore. Maybe that made me stronger or it juz made the defences around more solid. Crap. Don't really think I should continue holding on to all the principles and values that others deemed "should be done or what one should have" anymore. Why hope for an ideal world or where everything is perfect? It's not going to happen. Embrace the materialism, corruption and the badass thing this society is promoting. If you can't beat them, join them. Don't be a hero and stand alone, heroes die young. I'm not superman, I'm juz an ordinary boy.