Don't you ever wish that you never had something before? Coz the longing for it after you lost it is juz so great, and sometimes you juz ain't yourself anymore for trying too hard to find it.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. True. After fighting one after another internal war with myself and surviving it, I did feel stronger, more resilent to pain, a bigger threshold to negativity. As if in the process of killing out all those emotions, I've became numb to whatever it is. Yet, I never manage to defeat that sense of longing inhibiting inside me, infesting and growing its veins deep down into my heart. It's like somewhat every little thing that has to do with her, when she showed me a little attention, it's like a blooming voice awakening every bit of sense that I thought that I've slayed and vanquished into the realms of unknown. Somewhat I feel that if she did a little bit more, she would really crumple my last remaining will to resist and fight.

Time has stopped at that very moment. From that very moment onwards, I've been fighting this endless battle. From that very moment, space warped into a singularity, trapping me inside with no escape. The will to live moulded and crafted the belief in independance. Never let the willpower crumble and falter, never grow reliant on someone, never dish out trust like flyers. Observe, survey and analyse. Give the trust to those who're worthy and let the rest earn it.

Resolve - 1. to come to a definite or earnest decision about; determine (to do something)

I'm an Aquarian with a "I-S" personality. What a bad combi, especially when it describes me so well..on certain parts. Haha... I certainly like changes, don't like to stay at the same thing for too long. New things always excites me coz it's fresh and stimulates my mind. So, my NS life now is a bore coz everything is juz crap sht same and boring. Hmm...

I'm a dreamer. Like what my sign describes me, my mind seems to be less in touch with reality at some times and drift of to other things. It's good too for I'm able to manipulate my mind in ways some others find difficult in, like rotating a 3D object in my mind during a maths lecture in JC. Maybe it enables me to see things where others find difficult in seeing. Perhaps when my mind always disillusion me about things, being too over-positive about things thus making me have too high of a false hope about things. But quite contradictory, should I fill myself with hope and energy to go all out for something, or should I have the barest minimum hope and give myself all the retreat route while trying? Somewhat I know the 1st one is the answer but I realise that I've been doing that all along and it's tiring when things don't really work out. I don't know, maybe I need another few years to recharge the lost energies?

Detached and emotionless, somewhat making them a bit cold. Maybe? I never like relating my emotions to reality. Suppressing them has become a habit or coming to an involuntery reaction. I can be very emotional that feelings tend to be quite extreme. Always come to regret having those emotions after when everything cools down and I reflect. Realise that there are times I need to be emotional and times to be emotionless but I haven't learnt that technique yet so I juz show my happy side all the time. Found out that happiness is a very contagious feeling. Self-induced joy - I called it. Finding no reason to laugh, to be happy somewhat makes me feels positive from within. Floods away all the bad stuffs. Maybe it's adrenaline, the sudden rush of energy and the aftermath - fatigue and tireness. Once the happiness dies down, the sudden cold and lonely feeling sets in. Yet, I guess I'm dealing with it juz fine, coz it has become part of my life. Like a wolf. At times it's with its pack but at times, it's alone on its own. Cannot always rely on companionship to survive for I still have to go on one day without them.

Love songs are good and nice in a sense that they keep that hope that burns some warmth in me when I'm feeling all that lonewolfy. Somewhat it also keeps me from forming my resolve - either to completely detach myself from love or keep on drowning in it. It can be quite suffocating to be like the water flowing about without any form, juz going where ever it takes me, although that's the nature of my sign. Lol. Maybe I should stop resisting and go with that flow and be that flexible and forever changing being, having no fixed ideas, opinions or even anything. Perhaps I've been too persisitant in the past? HAha...I don't know. I driving myself crazy with all this irony, paradox and contrary. Argg...

As requested by Boon, some animals.


A wallaby on the road.



An emu.

Meeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh....

Mom, did you have an affair with the hound next door?

Back from Aust~ Yey. Apart form the blazing hot afternoon (I don't know how hot but definitely much hotter than S'pore) to the freezing cold night (approx~ 13 degrees), the scenery and the environment of the training area are jus G-R-E-A-T. Beautiful sunset, marvallous starry nights and the magnificant mountain ranges. BRAVO! Haha. Not to mention the groups of Wallabies jumping with relatively roughly the same speed as the land rover and the courageous Emu that dash between 2 chinooks that juz landed, taking that tremendous downwash of the blades into consideration. However, the food and drinks there are juz too EXPENSIVE!!! Argg... 1.60 aussie for a can of coke?!? OMG. Did I mention that a piece of batter fish cost 3 bucks? Got ya there. I mean, if you look closely at the reciept, you'll notice the 5% GST difference with S'pore. Singaporeans, if you're complaining about the 5% GST in S'pore, then you ain't suitable for a holiday in Aust. Some pics that I took over there. Enjoy

Notice that my face is clean? =O

Taking a break with the NSmen

Surrounded by the girls of the Canteen. Guess their age. =/

This shot is a classic. Simply felt like a photographer. =P

Heart matters. Or maybe it doesn't?

Some small talks with jun and boon and cck at different times? Small talks. How nice and wonderful it's juz to talk and relax, enjoying a mug of beer. Retired lifestyle. Never liked to go into detail about my love life in conversations, maybe coz I don't wanna get into that sensitive side of me nor do I wanna feel the emotions. Maybe I'll juz write it out? Lol. Let things out befor I fly to Aust.

I can only describe my heart as...undecided. Undecided between searching for an idealistically unrealistic person or to juz let everything settle down, let all emotions cool down like now and not desire so much for love? If I were to choose, I believe the latter is the better option. Maybe it's like what boon said about being cursed after the first relationship but I'll accept it coz I was young and hot-blooded then, having rushed into committing to a relationship where I can't give much. I accept it as my fault to have hurt another person due to the reckless move. Maybe that's why I've been punished to experience the bad side of love.

Frankly speaking, only 2 person have ever been so important to me in my heart. I never really allowed my heart to ever fall so deeply for another person ever since coz I know, I'll take a long long time to recover if I did and nothing comes out of it. These 2 hall of fame holders, juz name them A and V. Haha, only a handful know who they are. =/ A. Someone like jun said, is beautiful, nice, kind, caring...all those qualities of an ideal partner that a man can ever dream off. She's still, up till now, the most perfect woman I've ever met. Perhaps I've only seen the good side of her and not much of the negative ones but yup, she's near perfect. The only thing that I ever regretted was to confess about my feelings for her. Maybe if I took things slowly and got to know her better, I would have a better chance? Nah, even if I did, I would have backed out. HAha. I've nothing to offer to her. Or not much. She really deserves a much much better man to love and look after her. Still, gotta thank her for that wonderful evening as my date. She's really gorgous and I almost needed to see the doctor to fix back my jaws! =P It's indeed a wonderful memory. If the tides were to change and the seasons would re-arrange, one thing will still remain. One thing that started ever since sec 3. Haha. =)

V, another who played an important role in my life. She let me understood lotsa things. The cruel and hard facts of life. I never really blamed her for anything. She's the 2nd person who has fallen in love with me before? She's the person whom I really tried to gave everything I could to - all the spare time, energy and effort. All I wanted to is to make her special, make her feel loved, let her know that her guy is always there when she needed someone but, like the saying goes, the easier you get something, the faster that thing loses its value coz it's not much of a challenge in achieving it. I guess that's when I lost my value to someone else, someone better I guess. I always thought that girls are nitty-gritty about details. The more someone is important to them, the more stingy they'll get on details with that someone. Being with her, I juz feel like a forgotten one, an outdated toy left at the last row of shelves collecting dust. Am I really her 'special one'? If so, why is it that she remembers all the special ocassion with her friends but me, she seems to forget or have no time, even for my bday? That's the question that's going on it my mind all along. Maybe she's busy, maybe she got her own friends to maintain, etc. How funny the mind works, playing tricks by coming up with question to induce anxiety and then generating solution to comfort itself. Maybe it's juz try to get that assurance that it never got from V. She made me realise that female base relationship on feeling alone. Once the feeling's gone, no matters anymore. That's how heartless the counterpart species can get. Hah, even so, I still feel obliged to care for her. I guess I'm still learning to get her out of my heart. She has moved on, why not me? =/

To me, love is not juz based on feeling. Initially, when 2 person get together, I must agree that the feeling must be there. It's the feeling that gets the engine started. The initial stage is powered solely by feelings alone. After that, when the 'feeling' starts to die down to lower potential, our disillusioned sense starts to pick up other qualities that our partner has and most of the time negative ones. Initially we're overwhelmed by each other's good points coz we neglect the bad ones. After that initial stage, we start to see each other bad points and neglect the good ones. That's when we take each other for granted. I mean, no one's perfect. After the feeling dies, it's the commitment to the unique bond that the 2 person shared and the responsibility towards the other party that keeps the relationship going. But I guess, that's an idealistic view. No one or not many today will do that. Relationships is are juz like permutation and combination where you find a number of person and try out being together with them and see which one gives you a better result, then you make a choice. That's life.

I never not believe in love for there're so many couples around still holding on together strong against all odds. It's just that those who're seeking the same things that I'm seeking for a declining. Never lost hope in finding that 'special one' but juz not carrying so much hope either. I can't say that my heart is emotionally tired coz I can't really determine what it's feeling now. Neither feeling strongly for someone nor long for no one. Somewhat in the midle? Maybe I'm juz holding on to that little hope that the queen of my heart will come so as not to complete give up on love itself? HAha. It's been a long time since the determination in my heart faltered for anyone. Guess after going through some things, the potiential hurdle to overcome to try gets increasing hard.

I'll juz be the invisible man.