Put on a mask and move on.

Suddenly realities in life are linked to Bleach. Ichigo is afraid of losing of putting on a mask, losing to the hollow inside him. People all around are putting on masks everyday.

Suddenly just felt that all along I've been very wrong.

Why do I wanna try and be myself, be somebody whom I think I am when I don't even know deep inside? Maybe my true self has already became that masked person that has been all along these years? Shouldn't have expected anyone, like I did of Jun, to be someone I wanted them to be. Maybe I did wanted them to get better or perhaps for my own desire for victory.

Expectations are a headache.

If can means can, like Jun said. Everyone is an adult to decide that they've done their best, for they know it best themselves. Expecting the same for everyone is like wishing for a perfect being when we all know nothing is perfect. I should start expecting less, go crazy more and move on with my mask.

In the end, just put back on that mask and get back to life. I guess that's the more real me. =)

Reading posts here and there. Tired.

Suddenly I admired MJ's will and determination. How his competitiveness and passion motivates and inspires the people around him to improve themselves. Maybe to him winning is everything but yet at the same time, that's how people become stronger after each failure, when you know you just have to win and you've gotta work harder to achieve it. Frankly, I longed for a dream team like the old Bulls. Doesn't have to have a superstar or even everyone is of a high calibre but somewhat, everyone works towards a common goal. Ha...tasted that kinda teamwork in bits and pieces now and then, esp during the National schools. I hunger for that kinda feeling. Just like during NP or OCS, the determination of mind over body when the will to push on is stronger than that of giving up coz you know, your teammates are just as tired as you are. What makes a team strong is not a superstar or a few good players but when 5 people played as 1 that multiplied their strengths and cover their weaknesses. Good teammates are hard to come by.

Read Jun's post about enjoying the game. Yup, I agree partially. However, do you realise that during RVNP period when we played bball, it MATTERED that we LOSE but, each saturday we played even harder, when we have free time we played to make ourselves better to show them that you don't have to be in the bball team to be good in bball. We are not just satisfied with losing and smile and walk away. WE WANNA WIN! When we lose to our seniors, when we're said to be not as good as them, WE WANNA PROVE THEM WE'RE BETTER! All the while we're competiting, we're hungry for victory. Have you ever wondered why you play the game in the first place? Coz it can attract girls? Coz of friends playing? Coz of other things? Along the way, what have you gained? What have you learnt? What is that factor that keeps you from being satisfied with knowing how to do a layup only? Why wanna shoot 3 pointers? Coz it's cool? No, it's coz you wanna win the rest of the people in your team, coz you wanna be a bit better than the rest, be a bit outstanding, unqiue. If not, why bothering shooting at all when you can throw all the balls to boon and let him score? All the while, we're constantly seeking to improve ourselves in the game. Why must we let that fear of falling, fear of failing and mask it, pretending that all along you've just wanted to play a relax game, enjoy the game?

Well Jun, maybe you've changed or what, which I do not know. To say the truth, in the past during NP days, I always felt more comfortable with you playing alongside at the low post area. Although then we ain't that good but at least we always make the effort to get the loose ball, the rebound, struggling to put the ball into the net. Well, maybe I did jump a bit higher, but do you know that ever since I don't know when, it's tiring and lonely battling alone at the low post for the rebound, struggling to put the ball in against bigger, stronger opponents. To take the physical abuse, the crap. Times when I growled "come in and help get the rebound", people come and after a while, the same old thing will happen. How frustrating when you guys are at the opposing team, you and seng will suddenly return to grap rebounds, to box out me when things like tt don't happen often when we're on the same team? Coz you trust that I'll get every ball? Sometimes I really wanna just heck care and go shoot some hoops, at least it's least tiring, at least it looks more appealing to others, get more recognition and appreciation from others. Who really look at the hussle and tussle under the low post? Perhaps it's the knowledge that the rebounds gave the shooters more confident in shooting that gets me going. Right boon? Getting rebounds for you from when you ain't that accurate to now when you become better. (BETTER only...don't get ur ego too high..)

Ya know Jun, people actually have expectations in you that they bother telling ya any faults that you have coz they want you to get better. Sometimes, when you said that you have only a 3 minute interest or what, I don't really believe, esp in ball. C'mon, you've been playing it like since sec 1 or 2? How can a 3 minute interest last so long? Sometimes just set your mind into doing something and overcome that big mental inertial and just do it! Just give it a try man, stand up and just do it. Thinking too much, hesitating too much will only result in nothing being done. Like once in a while when I suddenly feel like playing com or sleeping instead of going down for a run or shoot some hoops, I'll just change into my exercise attire and get out of the door. No choice then, already changed, might as well go work on that old bones. After once or twice, there's be less and less hesitation. Don't know lah...maybe all I'm talking now is crap? Perhaps you're not really whom I percieve to be? If so, then just take these words like...words loh.
____________________________________________________________________

Sometimes Basketman is also tired.

Times when I wished that I'm like Yingmu who just do what he wants, be himself. Times when I feel like screaming but let it implode inside. Times when I thought I've moved on only to wake up finding myself at the same spot. Sometimes even something that I loved becomes something tiring. When I just wanna relax my mind, let down my defense and rely on the teammates around me in bball, but somewhat like everything in this society has shown me, I have to be independent, I have to grow stronger on my own and stop wanting to lean on anyone. Is this society, this world really as cold as it seemed? V showed me scripts in TV drama can be so real and fairytale stories belong in the fantasy land. Army showed me that being Mr Nice Guy only results in scenes from the Triad series - Being used, backstab, betrayal, etc. Why do people give up their childhood dreams during the process of growing up? Coz they've seen too much of the ugly side of this society and grown to be more realistic. I don't know. What's right? What wrong? Why do all those no-no stuffs starts becoming more and more acceptable? Why have all the things that I believe in starts to crumple one by one?

Somewhat, I'm losing myself to the chaos I've stepped into.

Juz finished a sketch of my dream girl. Haha. Although can't really claim that it's a masterpiece or that it's super look alike or what, at least it's lookable. =O Haha, but sadly I juz don't have enough skills to portray her beauty and elegance into the protrait. Nvm, more practice with sketching and I'll be good enough. =)

Never had to be on a movie screen to be the leading lady in all my dreams

Tired. My body is protesting. HAha. My right shoulder joint's old injury came back during the last part of the bball session juz now. The achy feeling where the nerves seems to be mulfunctioning a bit. Nvm...just hope it ain't goin to be anything serious. Was really lacking in that telephathic connection between me and boon ah? Haha. We gotta come up with some fix plays lah and then from there we'll know more or less each other's pattern so after which the "wonder plays" will come. Haha. Too bad for the last play, beautiful set up but then, coincidentally the lights happen to go off at tt very moment. Wahaha. It's all tian yi. Lol. think tml I'll take a break from running to let my body recover. Heh, or evening no energy to play bball liao. =D

Heart - Why? Why do I still worry and thought of you when I saw "had viral infection" on your nick even though there's someone else by ur side give u all that u needed. Is it really that hard to let it go? Shouldn't have let that wondering aquarian heart settle down for anyone coz when the wind stops for someone, it'll stay loyal to her for a long long time...even though she has left. Why don't you drift off to other places instead of foolishly waiting for nothing? Baka.

Let the spirit of competitiveness spark off the desire for victory which starts flowing within my very own veins.

Now I kinda understand why Larry Bird and Magic Johnson are 2 respectable rivals when they both said the same thing when interviewed respectively -

"I couldn't stop training coz I know he (Larry/Magic) will be training hard and if I slack off, the next match up will show the distinctive difference."

Somewhat Boon and the people around are motivating me to train. There's no way I'll lose to anyone physically in bball. Just have to train train train so that I can be sure they'll never catch up with me. =P

Had a relaxed bball game with boon last evening. Well, it's good to go shoot some hoops daily (esp when there's net still) to just let my body memorise the momentum of the jump shot. Still not that steady yet but quite happy at the progress. Haha...but that's under the condition that no one's marking me and I'm in practice and not competition mode. Feel that I've already built up the minimum confidence and skills to play the low post area and now, it's time to move out of the comfort zone and "upgrade" my offensive capabilities. =D

Kinda agreed with boon on his post. Well, in 3 on 3 half court if 1 person slack and 2 v3 is still quite possible. (If it's me and boon team then most probably possible =P) However if it's a 5 v 5 full court then I guess it's time to find teammates with the same mentality to play with coz 1 person's mentality and effort shown will directly affect the whole team's performance and morale. I guess having played in the school games b4, it's when you're teammates push you along during times of fatigue or when everyone is doing their part and you just don't wanna the whole defensive or offensive play to fail because you're the one who's not putting in 100% effort. I guess we never really kb anyone who's put in their effort but didn't perform, like a missed lay-up or jump shot but perhaps a "BAO WO!" at most. Like I told boon yesterday while we're watching some people play, there are some who lack the self-performance desire. In their mindset they're already think that they're 2nd level to perhaps a top scorer in their team and the way they're playing is lacking that desire to score, or lacking that desire to get that ball back into possession. Well, I could just say that, put in the effort, desire and passion and results will show in time.

Saw lotsa my own limitations in todays's game. Although the opponents ain't exactly the chao strong type but somewhat it's quite a difficult game to play throughout.

1. Stamina. It's crap. Hate the way when I started to run into "low batt" mode after a few fast breaks and a few rebounds. My court stamina ain't there.

2. Power and concentration. Guess these 2 factors are directly related to the one above. Lost the focus when I start to "anyhow throw" at the low post, losing to the pressue by the 195. Maybe it's too long since I've met such overwhelming opponent that I forgot how to use my quick release.

3. Fast break. Actually realised that I've travelled at the start of every fast break but I guess it's too fast before anyone noticed. =O Need to overcome that slower dribbling pace of mine.

4. Inner zone shooting. Was crap. Need LOTS LOTS more training. Kinda inconsistant though. Although I did get the feel but somewhat it's not all that smooth yet.

5. Teamwork. Managed to suppress the 195 offensive power when me and boon have to guard him or else it's game over. Haha, used the front pressue and backstab method. Lol. Cool, it works. The overall flow of the team still not there? People around are not moving to cover defense loopholes for one another. Gave the opponent lotsa opportunity. And all I say our offense is...crap. Well, it isn't a team game we're playing but mostly individual skills coz not everyone is willing to move up the court? Maybe it's just a game, that's what they think.

Play to win. Somewhat this is what is going on in my mind during bball sessions. The only way to keep improving in every game is to take it seriously and stretch myself to the max. There ain't really many chances like this for my to gauge my own court stamina and when I should burst and when I should conserve. Practice on some defensive skills as well as offensive tactics. Well, understood how frustrating boon felt too when not all of your teammate thinks the same way but for me, I'll just remind once loh coz I know say already also no use. Sometimes it's not about the physical limitations but the mental limitations one must overcome. Even before starting there's the mindset that "I cannot make it", the I guess there'll be no effort shown loh. When 1 person ain't showing the effort, I guess it really affects the overall morale of the team and more will start to join in the "relax group". I don't know, in the end, perhaps these words will be ear side wind and I'll be "acting pro" again.

*shrugs*

At least I've done my part as a friend and a teammate.

Drinking some booz...seems like 5% alcohol tasted more like a fruit punch. Hated the way the liquid stings the fresh of my healing gum. Nevertheless. Ah....should have bought one more... Hated the way sometimes people around are behaving, acting. Hate, is that too strong a word? Or should dislike be used instead.

Kinda understand about in one's lifetime at least one should seek to find a bosom friend, one whom you can share your dreams and thoughts with. It's kinda funny and makes you feel stupid when you get chided with sarcasim or given that feeling of "don't-act-like-a-pro" when you sincerely share your experience, thoughts and opinion with someone. When I say I should open up more, haha, this is what is reflected back to me. Once again, the heart has displayed it's poor judgement.

Having that heavy feeling once again for I don't even know what's the reason for causing it. I guess I just need more liquor.

When I suddenly have too much time at hand, the more I feel I'm wasting my life away.

Went AH to remove the stitch on my gum early in the morning and yet, it was fast as usual. So was hanging around the area until 10am when IKEA was opened. Bought a nice cloth for my shelf and a footstool for my armchair, my little cosy corner. Haha. Cool, my room is almost the way that I wanted to be when school starts. Now the thing is maintaining it. =P

Went JE Library and borrowed some books on sketching - human and landscape. Cool. Read different styles and types that I can follow to start sketching a person. Hmm...should put theory into action tml and the person will be non other than...my dream girl! Lol. Hope she is still my dream girl after I've drawn her. =O

Catching a glimspe of my inner self. Kinda like having the feeling of knowing this person for a long time but somewhat can't juz remember who he is, and bits and pieces about him juz stimulates that forgotten memory. Oh...sounds gay. Heh. Perhaps I've been me all along but a period of time when I changed to become somebody else, or tried to change to someone else to please the person, I've forgotten who I really am. Like teens or kids nowadays wearing matured clothes and putting on make-ups trying to pretend that they're adults, losing themselves in the process in pretence. Haha. Wondering if it's because I cannot express my emotions well or is it that internally, my emotions are flucuating so much that it's no point in showing? Like the turnover rate for negative emotions are so high that I can 'self-high' and get over -ve emotions with my own self entertaining skills but at the same time, the -ve feelings also returned quickly once the 'high' feeling dies down? Comes and goes, like some similar monthly cycle? =O Lol. Hah.

At least I'm slowly discovering.

Actually wrote quite a bit after listenin to Stefanie Sun's "Sometimes Love Juz Ain't Enough" yesterday but blogger screwed up and my post went missing. Since this kinda 'feel' and mood come and go, not really interested in re-composing. Just a phrase that I feel meaningful -

There's a danger in loving somebody too much, and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.

Hmm...the so-called big day is coming for me? Well...did feel a bit excited about it but somewhat the "so what?" juz flash across my mind in a "repeat every time you think of your big day" command that makes me feel nothing much special about it. Well, since it's like what they say that you only get to transit from a boy to a man once in your life, might as well call for a big celebration! =o Hmm...so means that I can use "Basketman" title without any wrong usage in noun? (or is it pronoun? Whatever that crap...) Man? Boy? They are only differentiated by a thin line. Guess I need to start thinking like a man (but still can act like a boy?). Oh ya, back to the celebrations. Hmm...maybe combining with seng and oml (and perhaps valerie?) to book some place and celebrate? The key thing is to invite more people, so I can WIDEN MY SOCIAL CIRCLE! Haha. That's the key point, the FOCUS OF THE MISSION. The MAIN OBJECTIVE. Lol. Crap. Getting self-high. Eh...anyone got any good, big and cheap room, with KTV that I can book? Haha. Thanks! =D

On Passion

Was reading Harlem Beat 17 & 18 when a sentence in the comic struck me so deeply - "MJ is my god. He is my goal, my target in playing bball."

Basketball. How long have I stayed stagnent at playing that same position? Or worse still, deteriorate in my skills? Suddenly just feel a bit...disappointed in myself. How long has it been since I have a little get along with my bball in the court, juz shooting for hours? No wonder I don't feel that happy for a long time, for it's a long time I've seek sanctuary and peace alone in the court for my head to cool off. Hmm... the comic also mentioned something about the Triangle Offense that the Chicago Bulls used in the past. Cool sht. Gonna go learn a bit more about it.

Long time since I work on some weights. Good to feel my muscles (or what's left of it) tight and firm again. (dun think about other things) Like Mike, gonna start my secret training liao. Left 7 months before uni starts and I guess, these are the time when I'm left to bring my skills to the next level and tone my body for optimum performance to get into the varsity team in uni.

Suddenly life feel much clear and simplier, when there's a short term goal in sight. =)

When you can find any reason to smile, SMILE! LAUGH! Coz they become your only reasons to be happy.

Missed the old me, where I get all cranky and risk being stupid for a good old laughter. Hate the part of growing up where I step into the boring and ever regimental life of the adult world. So many things to worry - backstabbing, politics and all the hidden arrows flyin at all directions.

STOP

Decided to go on doing things my own way, my own style. Sometimes juz don't really have to bother with others, always think what others will think of me if I do this do that, wonder if others will be able to handle without me... Why bother if they never think for me and make myself all tired out where I can save the time and energy for myself? Yup, that's the way.

Learning to stop bottling up those unhappy feelings. If I'm not in the mood I'll juz show it. That's the way things should be. Be answerable to my ownself. Conclusion. Be myself, be happy, be true to my own feelings and don't be bothered too much with other things. Period.

No nothing.

When you have no mood, so how do you actually feel? Nothing? No happiness? No anger? No emotions? Should be the case right? Judging by the English used. Now really no mood. Can't find the reason to smile nor feel a bit happy nor any excuses to find some anger to vent on something. Balancing on the delicate equilibrium where any external force will totally upset the balance and make things blow.

Suddenly juz a thought...how strange and amazing that that special person's touch can calm down an angry man, can soothen the aching heart, can give security to that lonely soul... Perhaps not everything is that mental as I believed in but physical too, to show existence and realism? Maybe.

Basketman is tired.

090107 - on SMS conversation

1730

Boon: Bball later @ our hse there @ 1900?

Me: Eh...see first loh. See what time got off work.

1830

Boon: Still in office.

Me: Still in office too.

2010

Boon: Jun and Js @ lot 1 liao. Coming?

Me: Still in office sia....

2330

Me: Depressing...I'm still in office.

Boon: Lol, late liao. Going to sleep.

Sad. In the end, left office @ 2345 where I was hoping that I could get home my 2000 latest. Reach JP and no more buses nor MRT to take and spent some cash on taking a cab home where finally @ 1215, I got to eat my dinner. Thought that I could rest on Thur and Fri after my dental surgery on Wed (today) but yup, was requested to come back on Thur till Fri to assist the new officer. =o

Sometimes I wonder if I should juz say "NO". I don't really like his learning attitude from the start. Before he starts taking over my Pride and rest of the work, he's already frowning, cursing and kb-ing at the load. Well, I've been doing that crap for months loh and he is juz only starting sia. When I took over all is in bits and pieces here and there and I have to go find out everything from everywhere and finally compiled something decent to assist me during my course of the work. He has everything nicely handed over to him and HE HAS TO COMPLAIN. =o People nowadays are really living in a world of luxury and taking everything for granted.

Finally my OC is the good guy..for once. He said the most humane thing he has ever said to me, "I know you've been doing a good job so I don't wanna see your at all for the next ICT." I was like =O. Wow, that's 2 weeks of own personal time! Cool. I dont' know? Who knows I might be called back to camp on those off days? Juz don't keep me hopes high.

Gosh, I thought I was late. Cruising through the swarm of bodies to try to get to the bus 182. Caught in a jam and some ass clown sitting by the window was juz plain sturbornly keeping the window shut. C'mon, gimme it's hot. Reach the gates of SAFTI MI and was about to change pass when the following was what I heard from the RP=

Me: I'm here for dental FFI.

RP: Oh, the dental centre is closed today. You have an appointment? Maybe you can try calling and check it up.

#%#^%$&$#%^$^#!#$#@@#$

OF COURSE I HAD AN APPOINTMENT. Called up the centre and the lady on the other side told me to come back again tml, same time. Juz as I was getting over the lousy start in the morning and heading home, a miracle phone call came.

CPT ******* Calling

Me: Yes Sir?

OC: Jianhong, remembered the update I wanted you to do before Christmas? Where is it? I need them to present to CO NOW.

Me: Huh? Didn't LTA ** send it to you? He told me he'll be doing it for me coz he's the Camp DO (duty officer in case u didn't noe) and has nothing to do.

OC: No I don't have it. It's either you or ** come back RIGHT NOW and do it. And I mean NOW.

To confirm the shocking news, I called LTA **

Me: Sir ah, the update you got help me do on Sun or not?

**: Oh...I forgot.

$^#$%^$@$^@$@$@#$#!^%&

Wah thx. Lucky I'm still at SAFTI busstop. So I crossed the road and took the bus back to camp. Before I knew it, I'm done and zao-ing from camp. For the rest of the day, becoz my team head, LTA ** refusing to answer any phone calls from the SAF, all the crap personnels are like calling me to confirm with me the dates of the meetings, projects ah, blah blah blah. Was super tired and falling asleep when MY OC CALLED AGAIN!!!

OC: I'm getting quite frustrated with ** ah. Couldn't get him at all. So either you or him go get these things done.......................................................................

*If you could see my face now...it's a classic*

Ok, I'm determined to wash my hands off SAF things liao. Next week I'm gonna handover all my PRIDE things and all my documents and stuffs to the other OFFICER so he'll be the POC (pt of contact if ya didn't noe). STOP BOTHERING ME ON MY PRECIOUS LEAVE!!! Not going to entertain any more calls liao...juz let the phone ring. =/