Depressed.

Remembered the times when I'm juz a fk-ed up boy in JC who jz doesn't really give a sht about study but somewhat always managed to pull off with a decent result with some last minute hardwork. Now, trying to be a better man by having a more consistant work ethic but somewhat, I juz seems to be getting bullsht results. Fuk. Makes me wonder at (lots of) times whether I'm cut to do this area at all give my (basically non-existence) foundation in maths and Physics. All I know are how some basic superficial stuffs and the weird craps.

Low morale.

Been a while since I played bball. No more Friday bball in school coz Friday juz became the non-official day for me and boon and jun to help me prep for any stuffs for Sat activities. Sunday bball somewhat disappeared along with the Friday one. Used to remember no matter how miserable I felt with anything, a nice session at the court would somewhat work things out. Juz my trusty old pal who never fail to be there for me. Maybe I should juz go shoot some hoops this weekend.

Self doubt.

Another aspect that makes me feel stupid most of the time - love. Why does your brain starts to go haywire and do things out of your way specially for that someone? What's the point when hardwork doesn't really matter (at all) in this area especially? If the girl likes you, somewhat she'll gravitate towards you without you doing anything. If she doesn't, there's no point in trying coz only in very rare cases, RARE, that sincerity actually has an effect to change her feelings towards you. Yet I always hope for that rare opportunity might juz drop from the sky if I did try.

Juz wanted to connect with someone on a deeper level. Even an aquarian feels tired for having too much freedom and wondering about too much. There isn't a castle behind those heavily fortified walls, but juz ruins everywhere. Accepting solitude with myself and yet at the same time, fighting hard to keep that remaining sociable self. Maybe I'm really starting to have a split personality. It's still best not to move too close to someone. Keep a distance least I should ever feel anything. 反正自作多情是我的看家本领...

There's no black or white. Juz different shades of grey.