At the eleventh hour...trying to finish up draft 2 of my philo paper and after which, gotta finish mugging the quantum mechanics test tml morning.

I guess the main reason I tried hard to oppress the feeling of falling in love is because of all the things I see around me. Marriage fall out of place, couples breaking up, singles get emo for trying to fall in love and many more.

It's weird to see ur own buddy getting emo-ed over love and trying to help just seems to complicate things more. And not helping seems wrong. And helping makes things worse. And not helping.... zzz. Tired of all these stuffs. Love is complicated and confusing and can-nah-sai.

Maybe the furthest I'll ever go is juz do lotsa little stuffs for the person I really feel for but I'll never ever tell her how I feel. Just be really good friends coz as long as I know that she's happy and fine, that's all that matters to me.

Sometimes we only know how to treasure when we've lost something but then, we're too afraid to hold something again because we know that we might still lose it even if we treasure it with all our heart.

Just came back from NUSSU appreciation dinner @ Orchard Hotel. Kinda concluded that social functions ain't my cup of tea. Maybe it's coz I don't really know many people there and yea, juz doesn't feel belonged there. If I could, I would have stealthly disappear. The ironical thing is I'm listening to "Wonderful Tonight" now by Eric Clapton. Ha.

Doesn't feel belonged in many places. Not really atas, don't have the talking formalities, don't speak gentlemen, don't do formal. Ha. Guess that's me.

Hoping to get the summer programme I wanted, but it's not one of NUS partner I guess. Wanna get away from Singapore and somewhere far to experience life and to get away from here.

Woke up from a crazy series of dreams and had a splitting headache after that. The only one what I had a vague idea of was somewhat like a date with ******. Oh man. That was like...strange. =x

I hate the waiting feeling.

Always seems to be an empty wait.

Solitude or selfishness?

Though I would occasionally longed to be in a relationship with someone, the freedom I'm having now is still too much a trade off for it. Maybe coz I know if I ever get a gf, I'll spend so much energy and time (and money) on her that I'll practically leave the bare minimum for myself, which is gonna tire me out. So, I guess I'll still be selfish and value my freedom more.

Call me ungentlemanly or assh*** but I still don't feel too comfortable hanging around females. (with exception of a few) Jh's internal circuitry will go hay-wire and he'll act weirdly when hanging around females for prolong time. It's like getting cancerous cells with prolong exposure to radiation. Ha. Watever.

Alright. Seems like I'm in for the year end SEP. =/

Hmmm...feeling a little weird? Hah. Suddenly the female social circle of mine is expanding recently. Juz from like all over the place? Knowing people from the net, sch, outside, etc. Don't know, suddenly also don't know how I should be like among females.

Yet, there's this person whom makes me look forward to checking mail at the end of the day, to see if there's any mail from her. Never seen her in person before nor really have her contacts but it's like she one of the few females I feel comfortable talking to. Hah. Maybe it's coz I've never met her and know most probably I won't makes it "safer" to talk more private stuffs. Ha.

I've got a tingle in my vein, and I'm not sure if my heart still knows the way.

I still can't forget how you tore my heart apart. It's hard holding you, loving you and losing you. Although it's been a really long time ago, I guess my heart is still right there, at the same place you left for someone better. Sometimes time juz made everytime seems alright by numbing all the senses.

On random-ness.

Was having a discussion with ck on random-ness during Philo lect coz of some quote from Einstein's "God does not play dice" thingy was flashed in the slides.

I really believed that random-ness occurred because of our lack of understanding and knowledge to handle and deal with the situation. Take random error during experiments for example, they happen because we don't have a complete control of the experimental setup. We don't know whether the flucuating environmental temperature, the vibration of the atoms or some other phenomena is happening that's going to contribute to the end result of the experiment. If we know what's the problem, then we can eliminate these discrepencies and keep the experiment "free of random-ness".

Juz like tossing a coin. Probability will tell you that this is a totally random event and given a large number of trials, the chances for a head or tail will be roughly close to 50% each. However, if I tell you that I'll now remove the random factor in the tossing of the coin. I'll use a machine to flip the coin in the same angle, at the same amount of force, keep in under a constant gravitational force (provided that I can do it) and do the experiment in vacuum, can I safely conclude that I'll always get the same result? Most probably if the above conditions are the only random variables present.

With this, ck posted a very interesting question - So, does that mean that one can then predict the sequences of events into the future?

Logically, it should be a yes. We can really predict the future by considering all the variables affecting the outcome of the immediate future to come up with multiple (an understatement where it should be close to infinite) consequences and then repeat the step again to get more and more branches of the future. However, it'll be so damn complex that I think the most advanced computer will be fried @ before reaching the 10th branch.

Another interesting aspect on the intensive usage of the idea of randomness/probability should Quantum Mechanics. Almost everything about QM is about the probability of this happening, that happening and never really definite, unlike Classical Mechanics (kinematics for instance). I feel that it's just that we haven't really grasp the hidden knowledge in this field yet and that's why, we are unable to be exact.

So is this world really operating on a set of mechanics that's waiting for us to discover or just full of uncertainty where we cannot really pinpoint what's going to happen next without considering the probabilty? Who knows?