That should be the 3rd layer..

And laying out the base with biscuits coated with coffee liqueur.

Tada!

With some strawberries on the top for deco...

A bit smug-ed but yup.

And thx to the bad fridge the KTV has, layer one melted and it looks like a pudding. Ha.

Happy Birthday Jennifer and Aiyun!

And so that kinda ends the hectic morning that I spend preparing the cake and everything. The only sian diao thing was that I purposely took taxi down to avoid squeezing with crowd in the mrt and to get there asap so that the cake won't melt and it still did in the end. =/ But alrite, at least they said it tasted good (or to juz an wei me). Ha. Mum says the first cheesecake I made is still the best coz of the chessy taste. Kk...I get the hint. Haha.

Alright I practically spend my study break reading a book by R.Feynman which is quite inspiring. Didn't study much even though it's really a hell lot of things waiting for me to complete. Strange, but somewhat I feel that there's more important things for me to do. Rest, find back that direction and drive in life, look for that lost interest and passion in Physics, end that internal civil war.... Alright, feeling slightly better so I shall turn on hyperdrive for work! Lol.

p/s: And thx Xinying for the belated bday present! Lol. Ermmm...how you know I need to save up? Haha.

~~~

Didn't wanna write what I feel here coz sometimes yup, it's still best to left things unsaid. Juz have that urge coz Marv's quiz is tt accurate in describing me that I have to pen down some thoughts. HAha.. Been having civil conflicts within myself. If I say who the parties are it'll be logic vs irrationality, or rather mind vs heart. Mind is always at a losing edge ba. Like years ago when the 1st civil war starts, H's power is always overwhelming. Like now, even as M is like winning after lotsa effort to suppress feelings, emotions, H always managed to get a sudden "power surge" from external sources to turn the tables.

Maybe my life evolves around love, and when it's not there I'm like a aimless comet drifting in space, waiting to enter the orbits of someone. Afraid to go too close for fear of being capture into the orbits only that it's unstable and I'm ejected out through gravitational sling. (ok, that's a physics unromantic way of describing things) Like the quiz said, I'm afraid that there's no one to rely on when I needed one, esp emotionally. Suan le ba. Talk too much le. Juz let things quieten down somemore ba..

Finally managed to get some work done today in sch. Covered half of the concept on the hydrogen atom which is like the main topic for my QM mod. Woot. An atom with an electron orbiting in a cloud of fuzziness around the proton can be such a troublesome matter. It juz seems like as knowledge gets higher, they get more uncertain and fuzzy. Secondary sch they tell you electrons move in round orbits like planets around the sun. JC they tell you that electrons are in clouds and they occupy certain space with certain shape, depending on the energy level. Uni, all the atoms are too difficult to discuss in detail except the hydrogen atom and even so, there's too many approximation made to the H-atom and corrections to the idealistic theory need to be done. oO Cool.

Tired tired tired. But at least I'm starting to get that interest coming back. =D

Wonder since when I started to read stuffs, watch shows, listen to the right music at the right time juz to bring that bitter pain feeling in my heart. Guess that's the way to test from time to time that my heart still feels and has not gone all out cold.

Hmmm....halfway through this recess week and I haven't really done any solid revision, even though I seriously need to get work done. Been in a very slack mood and that is like strong strain of disease that can't be cured of instantly. So, juz spend time playing bball, going out to simlim with marvin, reading books I borrowed from the library, watching smallville and nua-ing at home.

Books, reading on a book by Richard Feynman - "The Pleasure of Finding Things Out". Interesting, talks about him and his life as a physicist, and more important the curiosity that drives scientists and researchers on. Don't like the education system here. It's like a production factory that drives to produce quality products and defects (like me) get thrown away. My screwed brain seriously cannot relate to things that I cannot visualise in my mind or that I cannot relate to daily lives. You tell me about electrons being fuzzy and obeying the exclusion principle and uncertainty principle thingy, I don't know all that numbers and vectors that you write down there in black and white. I need to formulate pictures, "movie clips" in my mind to "see" how that works. Darn. I rather be an apprentice and learn new things along the way through practical sessions.

But, still can't escape this kinda education system since I'm so stuck here. So, I juz need to get focus and swallow all those black and white numbers and alphebats. T_T

Play bball in the morning. Darn, my shoulder still hurts from the scorching sun the day before. Haha. Love it when there's no one at the basketball court. When there's no one to disturb me while I'm juz shooting some hoops. Woot, realised a bit more about myself today.

Lack of confidence. I always think that I'm a lousy shooter and that is a bad bad thought. I started of as a shooter. I shot in consecutive 15 3pt-ers before. I finished one of the tough match in OCS Bravo wing bball match single-handedly with 4 3pt-ers. So, records showed that I could shoot but juz why am I not performing? Lack of confidence. Tot boon is a good shooter so I thought I should imitate his style of shooting, maybe juz hang a little bit more, or jump a little higher or something else. Bad. In the midst of trying to imitate others, I forgot that my body has already memorised my own shooting timings, momentum and style long ago. I only managed to summon this sub-consciousness when my team relied solely on me to win. This morning's bball I tried bit by bit to recover this hidden skill on mine and wow, it's juz surprising that I already knew whether the ball will be going in or not after my finger tips released the ball. By whole body is in sync with the shot, felt great. Tried dunking but darn, I think I still need to jump 10cm higher. Juz 10 more cm. =/

Guitar lesson. Cool. Wow, I wonder if it's me or my teach is like teaching me some difficult stuffs. Was doing some blue chords and darn were they difficult. Juz when I got the hang of it, teach said we should do some improvisation. So I was playing the chords and she pull of some stunner, played some solo to the chords and told me "Your turn. Juz go on with your feeling and trying to play something melodious." So I gave her the "Errr...ok" face and tried some crappy moves which totally sounded turn off to me. HAhah. But cool, I'll have to go search some youtubes for ideas. Blues music. Loving it. Love the rhythm, love that sexy sounds of the notes at certain point when it goes higher or when there's bending involved. Haha. For a start, listen to Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight". You'll know what I mean. =)

Back to World of Goo! =p

Great workout today, playing bball in the morning till noon. Woot, had a good tan with my shirt off and now, I think I'm more of burnt than tanned. Haha. Crap. My shoulder hurts from the scorch. T_T

Realised that morning biking to sch is actually a training session for me. Caught in the early morning jams and have to learn to maneuver through the stationary lines of vehicles, balancing while going at 10-15km/h in the slow traffic... Woot, everyday it a practice for my future job as a TP in case I really have no other choice. Haha. Should consider taking the 2A bike license. =)

Someone juz got fed up at me after trying to change my beliefs and failed. Well, I realise, I'm really love that wondering about, flying free feeling. Like the wind that never settle down for anything, never stopping for anyone. It's juz like when my heart stops me for someone, things always never really work out. Starting to want to believe in what Fu and Boon believe in now, that there's really no need to look for the other half yet. Think that girls nowadays are really independent, and there's nothing I can offer them too. Ha. Strangly, my heart didn't feel dejected or broken. Juz a little disappointed and more of reverting back to that indifference feeling, and makes me wonder if it has started to given up or it has learnt to let things run on its own course. Maybe a little of both. A rather calm and quiet feeling now. No longer hoping, longing, wishing that person would perhaps, fall for me, even if it's a little.

Think this blog is mostly about my lousy love luck and those lousy feelings. It should be time to close the curtains for the love aspect of my life for the time being.

I realise that from a thought, no matter how insignificant it can be, if I starting thinking about it everyday and after a long long time, that thought will be manifested into a belief planted deeply inside my mind. The power of the mind.

Oh Man....next week is recess week which is like...BAD. Tons of things to study.

Hmmm....having weird dreams lately. Dreaming about people whom I never really thought of, things that are out of this world and so on. Today for instance, dreamt of a 2m long span golden retriever with gigantic paws. HAha. In the dream is also someone, for the 2nd time I've dreamt of so far, whom I never really talk to much. Then there's a lot of crappy stuffs that's kinda err...juz plain bullshit. Haha.

Cool.

Watched this tour show by Brian Wong and suddenly, I juz wanna go tour the places where nature is untouched. Visit the lakes, springs, waterfalls, green lushes, magnificant trees, feel the fresh breeze, bathe in the warm ray of the morning sun. It juz feels like my NS life is frequently in touch with Mother Nature and suddenly, a prolong lack of contact makes me feel that there's something missing in my life.

I miss the carefree feeling in the open.

Came across this great song while on shuffle. Wow, it's really cool that at times when songs seems to bring out those words that I find hard to express. Alrighty, I think I should go find the chords to this song and learn to play it. And of course, try harder to be a better man.

Better Man - Robbie Williams

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
Cause its not my fault
I know Ive been taught
To take the blame

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
Im in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Once you've found that lover
Youre homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around

I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doin all I can
To be a better man

On Valentine's Day Special

The following is a purely messed up view of Jh which is fictional and purely coincidence is it happens to describe anyone or anything.

On the Mind and the Heart.

Seriously, I think that inside me, beside me alone, there also reside 2 other entities. For many, they may be the "Devil" and "Angel" who are constantly at war. For me, they're the Mind and the Heart. Perhaps Mind is slightly older, coz since the formation the organic being Jh, the Mind has be the central governing entity like the role of the Prime Minister, advising Jh on daily actions, decisions to make and many others. As years goes by, another entity rise in power, who is non other than the Heart. The Heart is like a naive child who hasn't seen the world, yet holds many wonderful ideals and dreams. Most important, the Heart possess something unique that the Mind has never seen before, the ability to love. Mind often marvelled at Heart's irrationality for doing things, behaving in certain ways which seems to defy the basis of logic.

Perhaps it's time to take a step back and let the Heart be Jh's key advisor, Mind thought.

Through the years, Mind watched Heart tried, failed, gotten hurt and yet, Heart always has the strength to fight on, till once, Heart was so badly beaten that it took Heart years to recover. Mind saw how Heart, from the start, full of energy, zest and so hopeful, aged over the years. The scars, the wrinkle, how much Heart has greyed. Yet, Heart still pushed on for this new hope that he found.

Old Friend, I've always let you do what you want but this time, listen to me. Come, sit down and rest a while. You're no longer that young chap you used to be. If that light you saw is glittering for you, no matter how long you take, you'll find it in the end. If not, no matter how hard you run towards it, or even if you do have it in your hands, this light will still extinguish, leaving you in the darkness. Feel, my friend, feel deeply coz it's something that you have that I don't. Feel whether that light is meant for you. Feel if it's calling out for you, said Mind.

And Heart sat down, closed his eyes and listen to the voices in the wind, waiting for that particular one to draw him towards her.

The End. For now. =]

Things to do

1. Go change my electric guitar lesson to classical. The teacher left me with a super bocup and spam-anything-that-comes-across-this-mind on the first lesson and felt like I've been hit by a typhoon in that short 30min, or wait, make it 20min.

2. Catch up on QM II, Stats Thermo and Nuclear Astro. I'm serious behind lecture and IT'S GONNA BE MID TERM SOON!!! *panics for 1s and resume normal* -.-

3. Test bake a small cake tml to see if it taste good.

4. Figure out whether there's anything else to add to my to-do-list.

February the 13th seems to be a black mark in my life. 5 yrs ago on the same day I broke up with someone whom I devoted my whole heart into. Today, once again, I will surrender. Surrender because I don't know what I could do nor should do anymore, coz everything seems to backfire. Fate. If everything if planned out as a part of destiny, then juz leave everything to fate. I'll keep my heart away for a while. Pack up the messy emotions and leave them in one corner. If there is a conservation law for emotions, then it should tend to move back towards equilibrium state given enough relaxation time.

Sorry, I didn't know that being nicer to you is unknowingly giving you pressure. I'll juz treat you as a normal friend from now on.

搞笑 - 罗志祥

Maybe I'm trying to hard to try to not be myself. Ha. My true nature, my true calling is juz to clown around. A clown. That's a gd job I can consider. Sometimes in the midst of making people happy I forget things that are bothering me. Forget the screwed up things life's dishing out to me. It's much easier to keep laughing and smiling as an obligation because eventually, it'll and has been a part of me. And everytime I let that little part in me that longed for a more personal touch to intervene, it tends to overwhelm my whole cranky system and I fugged up. Haha.

Sorry little dude, you've been out long enough, it's time you go back to your room. If all these years I survived on this, laughter is the best medicine for me. =D

*Warning*

At the time of blogging user is feeling EXTREMELY PISSED OFF and the vivid use of colourful languages will be frequently used in this blogpost. Readers who are easily offended or are not of legal age under residental country's law are adviced to *censored* off or in layman term, press the "X" at the top right hand corner.

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Alright. I know this is gonna be surprising to some but I'm only human. Anger is a part of me except that it isn't that obvious UNTIL YOU REALLY MESS MY THINGS UP. Alright, so what's the fucking issue here? Juz a while ago, happily left house for school. Came down, and I saw 3 FUCKING LONG SLITS ON THE SEAT OF MY BIKE. Oh, maybe I'm juz exaggerating, it's only like 3/4 of the seats cut open and the cushion popping out.

Yey. Suspected that it's like some cats who's juz bored and need to sharpen their kitty claws that they decided that the barks of the tree ain't tough enough which perhaps, some tough leather seats would do the trick. If so, I forgive you, cats. Coz it's you're natural instinct.

YET, THE DEMON INSIDE ME TOLD ME THAT HE HAS A STRONG FEELING THAT IT'S SOME FUCKING LOSER WHO HAS NO LIFE AND DECIDED TO TAKE OUT HIS BLADE AND SLIT THAT UNLUCKY BIKE. Alright, you cbk, if you really did that, I urge you strongly never to do again man. If I ever caught you, I don't know what I might do. Perhaps I might juz knock some of your teeth out before handing you over to the police and claim that it's all in the act of self defense and the "minimum force" is used to subduce you coz you're carrying a blade. Or perhaps I might juz pick up a stick and start lupping you till you drop your wpn and surrender.

Or I might juz do both.

Inconsiderate assholes. First you burn holes on my bike's raincover with the random littering of lighted cigerrate butts which happens to land on my bike. Now you really got over my threshold by slicing up my seat. Boy am my I pissed off. You wanna see the anger in me? Come look for me dude. Even if you're the twice my size, I promise you I'll make sure that even if I lose the fight I'll make at least 1 of your teeth drop.

So I'm up and wide awake at 3am in the morning. Haha. Being drenched and being wacked by harsh weather conditions during the 1 hour on my way home certainly has brought me down a little. Haha, no longer as tough as those days in green. Slept at 9pm coz my head is already heavy. Lol.

Had a strange dream. Ha, and was woken up by Jun's sms. But yup, it was a sweet dream. =)

Was caught in a heavy downpour halfway home. Went to the nearest Shell station to seek shelter. Ha. The rain pelted on my skin mercilessly. The cold winds blowing against me. Ha. Nice scenery from the station. Been a while since I've been in a rain. Remember sitting down and feel the rain hitting against me. Remember it's a good time to be when I'm down coz I don't know if it's the rainwater or something else rolling down the cheek.

Hmm...maybe this sat I would give volunteer work a miss. There's this triple chocolate mousse cake waiting for me to bake. Have to at least try out how it taste like before I do the actual one for Jen and Aiyun's bday right? Haha.

Hmm...lately juz wake up feeling sapped of energy, lack of tt zest, deprived of motivation. Everyday juz seems to be a little cycle waiting for me to go through it, nothing to look forward to.

Wait, isn't that the life that has been going on for a long time?

If only results ain't that important. If only it's how hard I've tried, or the process that matters.

Sometimes it's the little little failures that keeps accumulating up that makes life starts to feel unbearable. When people starts to expect this and that. When I start to expect more from myself.

When it seems harder and harder to find a reason to smile every now and then, let alone laugh. The last time I really felt appreciated was the little kitty which I fed at the void deck. Ha. The way it's eyes stared intensely into mine when it meows after the meal. How it circle my legs and hops around. Maybe it's juz me but yup, at least it made me happy for that day.

Tml I shall juz watch the little works of nature - the rustling of the leaves, the chirping of sparrows, the moving clouds, the gentle breeze... Maybe I'm trying to hard to fill up that emptiness in my heart that I end up making an even bigger space.

Shall go sleep early. At least I hope "everything will be better after a good night's sleep" still holds. =/

Back from Wakin concert. Wow, he's really the man. No wonder he's my idol. Listening to his songs since young. Simple, plain yet, it never fails to reach the depths of my heart at appropriate times. Like now. Love his witty comments. He's a natural showman. Watched him grow into fame, died down and disappeared from the scene for a while before coming back. Jacky Cheung or Andy Lau might be great but there's always something missing in their songs from Wakin.

Songs of the moment.

孤枕难眠 - 周华健

告诉我 你等待的是我 告诉我 你不要再错过
你闪烁的眼眸 彷佛有些话 始终无法说出口
你快对我说 别害怕没有把握

告诉我 你曾失去太多 告诉我 你也害怕寂寞
我知道你无法 去摆脱过去失败挫折的伤痛
你快对我说 别让我不知所措

想着你的黑夜 我想着你的容颜
反反覆覆 孤枕难眠
告诉我 你一样不成眠 告诉我 你也盼我出现

想着你的黑夜 我想着你的容颜
反反覆覆 孤枕难眠
告诉我 你想我千百遍 告诉我 一切都会实现

怕黑 - 周华健

如果我说我忍住眼泪 如果我说我不会后悔
在这个夜深人静的时候 请不要让我如此心碎
如果我说我忍住伤悲 如果我说我觉得好累
在这个夜深人静的时候 我只愿能与你紧紧相依相偎

因为我会怕黑 因为我无法入睡
因为我心中疲惫 因为我厌倦雨打风吹
因为我会怕黑 因为我觉得意冷心灰
因为我隐藏我的眼泪 请不要让这一切变成不对 变成不对(变成不对)

就在这样的一个夜里 不要把心围上层层堡垒
就在这样的一个夜里 不要说你永远无法体会
就在这样的一个夜里 不要让疲倦的心再枯萎
就在这样的一个夜里 就让我说一声请你给我安慰

Today feels weird. Went sch, lecture, library to revise a bit and then home. Then I realise, " Hey Jh, you're lips didn't even curl upwards a little! Dude, wassup?"

Reach home, and suddenly I heard my old friend said, "Bro, get changed man! Get into your singlet, shorts and sneakers! It's been a while since we hang out at the usual place!"

And so, I went to the bball court with my buddy. Somewhat, somehow, he really made me feel safe in this crazy world. There, I don't have to think about anything else. All I need to do is juz shoot the ball into the hoops. Ha, played some pickup games with some kids there. Hmm...but ya, sprained my ankle in the first set. Nevertheless, tighten up my laces and continued for another 3 sets. Wow, never felt in such a good condition since a long time.

Yey, the pain came when I finished the game. It's kinda amazing how your mind forgets that the ankle is actually sprained during the game. Hoh. Took of my shoes and realise how screwed my ankle was when I couldn't walk straight. T.T Ouch. Went to the usual sensei and got it treated but ya...still quite painful. =/ But it's worth the pain, the session made me much happier. =)

Rdm thought: If I have to go through the pain to be happy, I would gladly accept them.

040209

Met Heng and Jennifer at Bugis for Minds cafe. Went to Penisula Plaza to get my electric guitar done up coz some parts are rusty and ya, gonna start lesson again so yea. =D Maybe apart from studying, I do pick up new skills at a relatively fast speed. But guitar is fun to start with. Ok, back to Minds. Well, saw Heng and he actually "bought a guitar for himself" coz he's also gonna learn guitar in the same sch with me and my sis. Haha, actually Boon already hinted me to thx Heng for a gift I wanted so I have already kinda like...haha, but ya, juz played along so as to not spoilt the fun.

Played some games at Minds which some were...ermmm...too challenging for Jennifer but nevertheless, Heng still emerge as the ultimate loser. So ya, he still owns us a forfeit. =D After which walked to Suntec and at Fish & Co. 3 of us shared a seafood feast coz, none of us was really tt hungry to finish a full meal. The main event after which was K box at Suntec. Sunny, junurin, elaine and sunny's friend joined in eventually. Haha. Wasn't in the condition to sing coz they could tell how cui my voice was yesterday. Lol. But the singing session somewhat became a mad array of alcoholic drinks. Lol, had too many drinks but ya, hate the feeling of being tipsy yet still very conscious, with an occasional outburst of crazy no-link remarks. Hmmm...I really need a 1 time good drinking session for me to juz K.O. like jun. JUN YOU WEAK. lol.

Nevertheless, still really gotta thx Heng and Jennifer for the acoustic guitar, and for the whole day you 2 or Heng alone planned. I really did enjoy myself =) It's not everyday people actually planned something juz for me. Haha. Somewhat, I think that one of the best thing that happened to me in life is to get a job in Justed and know this wonderful bunch of colleagues/friends. You all all the ones that add colours to my life. =))

Thanks Juen for the first sms bday wishes on the start of the 5th. =))

Thanks boon for the expensive sms you sent to me from Manchester! =D Must be quite painful when you press the "send". Haha.

Thank you to all those who have tagged me on facebook =)

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050209

Today is tiring day, having to sleep only 2 hrs after drinking down all those toxic (alcohol) and wake up for the 830 lecture. Lol. Alright, I was 15 mins late. Hmm...was practically fighting the Z-monster the whole time. When the lecture ended, decided that this isn't productive and so, went home to sleep, before waking up to meet up with my buddy kiwi for tea at Fong Seng. Born on the same year, same day, same hospital, lol, maybe even same ward. So we may have met way before when we were babies already. Haha. Great guy, he's one I can look up to for advices on love issues.

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*last part deleted as requested by boon*

Hmm...my stomach is not in the right state. Diarrhoea in the morning and now, gastric. =/

So what do I really like about you?

Maybe it's the way you look or the way we click. Perhaps even it's cause you're just being nice to everyone else, including me. Or is it there's something else? Seriously, I don't know. My heart felt something different.

Love.

What about it? Something that once fallen into, controls mood and emotions of individual. I guess that if I like you, I'll do things juz to cheer you up, make you happy. Hope that you'll like me in return? Maybe a little, but I know love will eventually turn out to be another disappointing outcome. Don't worry, I'm not sad. I've only learnt to accept the facts. If I have little or no expectations in the first place, then I won't be too disappointed right? At the same time, I get to brighten up another soul in this world. This world doesn't need another person to experience the same thing.

I was waiting at that same spot for someone for too long. Now that you walked by, I'll walk behind you. Whether or not I get to walk beside you, doesn't matter. I just wanna be there for you.

Feel that I'm moving in too close. It's like being suck into a black hole where the fall is accelerated as you drop deeper. Whether it's good or bad at the end, one thing is for certain - it's a path of no return.

Song of the moment: 太想爱你 - 张信哲