I wonder if eating chocolates really does makes one happy, coz I've been eating more chocolates these few days than I've had the past 2 months I think. =/ Not like I'm a fan of chocolates but yup, as long as my mouth and stomach love it, who cares anyway?

Ha, think I shall be a 宅男 from now on. Juz stay at home, study, ready books, surf net, play computer games and maybe ocassionally go play some bball and jog ba. Lol. Sounds like good life to me. Ha. Dynasty Warrior 6 rox! =D

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Fail, failing failure. Love it when you keep stumbling down the road of life. It's like you stand up juz to fall again. There must be something wrong about me. Something missing, something I lack that makes me so loserly. Starting to hate all this shit.

Forget it. It's juz another bad day. Tml I'll put back that mask and things will turn out like usual.

Wanted to wake up @ 4am to study but failed miserablely and ended getting out of bed at 7am. Finished my presentation and the whole night, it seems like while I was supposedly to be sleeping, a part of my brain has nuclear decay equations and charts floating around, and images of the presentation slides juz hovering around. Woke up with another fucking migrane. Screw it man, I'm going to school now to study my thermo exam later. Sucks to be me.

Finally packed that little guy into that little book and sent him away. I mean, that's what he wanted, isn't it? I wonder what lies ahead for him but whether he comes back or not, I think I'm gonna start getting used to being without him. If I could, I'll pack my stuffs and go away somewhere too.

Haha, saw this interesting quote while researching for my presentation.

"Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics; I can assure you that mine are still greater." - Albert Einstein

Lol. Win liao. Now I can't use the excuse that Maths is hindering my path in learning Physics.

Viva my last experiment report with Prof. A nice chat with him, I guess. I was really worried about this report as I TOTALLY graspe nth of the theorywise. I juz cannot see why it happens and the websites that I read up on sounds TMD incomplete. Yet, after VIVA-ing, the questions I thought I didn't really know, I've knew them already. As in I got the idea of how it works but the detailed mechanism is the one that's lacking. Hmmm...I enjoy such chatting sessions (or rather VIVA) coz it's through the interactions, the "arguing" part and the explanations from the Prof did I get to learn much. Beats sitting at the lecture hall and scratching my head.

Then it juz struck me about my learning habit/style. When I don't know something, I look for answers. Then in turn, the answers leads to more questions because it's another field that I do not really understand that well. And then I go search for answers and there comes more questions and the cycle goes on. Somehow, somewhat I'll juz deviate from what I'm studying to another branch. Haha. It's that something inside me that cannot stand not knowing completely. I can't juz take the answer for granted and boy, if I don't find that underlying principle, it does kills me. Lol. Maybe that's something good and bad. Bad bad bad coz I'll never really study what I'm suppose to for exams and that means screwed. Good coz it increases my data base. =D Whatever it is now, I'm studying for the sake of knowledge liao. Hha. Lovin it. =))

Woke up with a weird dream (which I always did) and yup, haha. Wat ZR said is really true ba. When combine with Kiwi's words, I think I managed to come up with my own reasonings (while I was sleeping). Girls dun like emo guys and I realise when guys go all out for that girl, it usually fails. Why? Coz people never really appreciate things that doesn't come with any resistance? After I finish that task I think that'll close that chapter for a moment. Ha. Of ya, talking about chapter, THERE'S GONNA BE A DEAR BOYS ACT III. WTF. The author had to end Act II even before the highlight games. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? I waited for months for that comic to come out and it's written "End". I gave that =O face to Jun and cursed after seeing that ending. T_T Another long wait.

Well, back to the main topic. I'm gonna work towards a specialty in my area ba - Nuclear and Particle Physics. Of course Astrophysics will always be that interesting area that move me towards studying Physics. Ha, imagined that I become good nuclear scientist and kanna kidnapped by some terrorist grp. Lol. At least I can be proud to say then I'm somebody worth their attention and effort. Haha. So now, it's time to work on those knowledge and perhaps, I might see some new light in those mess of equations. =>

Zherui is Da man. No wonder we're buddies. Something that's so obvious but I juz never fking see it. Happiness does not come after love. It's the opposite. Happiness is something that you tag people and then, if something happens, like love, it's juz a bonus. To be able to tag people, first must be happy. Ha. Alright, the goal of 2009 is to throw away all the emos and negative cb thoughts and juz simply, be really happy. Ha. The happy part should be easy coz I'm a super efficient self entertainer. Ha. I juz need to learn to not try so hard and follow the norms end up tt emo. Juz be myself and everything else juz fk care. =) Let's find back tt clown in me. =))

Heard this Korean song and finally looked up the English translation of the lyrics, which I think is really quite nice. Haha. Ok, I'm juz bored from studying QM in the wee hours of the early morning and that song juz happened to be playing on my itunes. -_-

I think I - Byul

그럴리 없다고 아닐꺼라고 믿었죠
It wasn't possible, so I believed it wasn't true
내가 그댈 사랑한단 이 말도 안되죠
Me loving you, these words don't even make sense
괜한 질투일꺼라고 내가 외로운가보다고
I'm probably just jealous, I guess I'm getting lonely
자신을 속여봤지만 이제 더는 난 감출 수가 없는걸요
I hid my feelings before but I just can't do it anymore

우린 안어울린다고 친구 그게 딱 좋다고
Maybe we are not suited to each other It would be good if we are just friends
하나부터 열개 도대체 뭐 한개라도 맞는게 없는데
From one to ten, we never agree on anything How can we have a relationship?
어떻게 사귈 수있냐고 말도 안돼는 얘기라고
People say we won't be able to do it
말하며 둘러 댔지만 이제더는 난 그러기가 싫은걸요
I've been surrounded by those words and I don't want to be anymore.

(Bridge)
난 몰랐죠 그대라는걸 Woo 왜 못봤죠 바로 앞인데
I didn't realize how I felt about you, Why couldn't I see? It was right in front of me
그동안 이렇게 바로 내곁에 있었는데 왜 이제서야 사랑이 보이는건지
That whole time you were right next to me Why is it now that I finally see that it is love?

(Chorus)
I think I love you 그런가봐요
I think I love you that's how it seems
Cause I miss you 그대만 없으면
Cause I miss you when you're not around
난 아무 것도 못하고 자꾸 생각나고 이런걸 보면 아무래도
I can't do anything except think about you If I look at how things are I know
I'm falling for you 난 몰랐지만
I'm falling for you, I didn't realize it but
Now I need you 어느샌가 내 맘
Now I need you, somehow deep in my heart it grew
깊은 곳에 아주 크게 자리잡은 그대의 모습을 이젠 보아요
Now all I want to do is take care of you

Tired tired tired. Studying and revising all the modules are starting to kill me. So tired and my headache would force me to drop everything and go to sleep at around 10 plus 11. And sleep...sleep has never been so disruptive before. Having lotsa fast paced and weird dreams and often not, would wake up at many intervals throughout the night. Wake up having felt like my mind hadn't even rested at all. =/ Arggg.... I need a good rest but time is juz against me. T_T

A good chat with Kiwi was all I needed. Someone to help me see myself, some to give me good advices and maybe juz know what I needed, that I didn't know.

Maybe this is for me, for her. At least we're still friends, right?

If I had a chance to say, I would tell you that you're really, perhaps, the other special person that I ever met after V. One that made me plunge in too deep that I have a hard time swimming back to shore after realising that the island is out of my reach. Today after playing bball, I realised all I needed is someone to rely on. Someone whom I can really trust to be there when I needed help, someone who's juz that mental pillar, my goal and the light that'll guide my way should I get lost. I don't need much time but once in a while some good quality time will do. I thought that somewhat, somehow you felt something too.

But Kiwi asked me, am I sure that I'm interpreting the signals differently from you? Maybe your intentions are juz clearly as a friend, or a good friend but I took it as something more. And the worst of it all, I pushed u into that unhappy situation. Sorry. I really am. I wanted you to be happy but it seems like I'm the one who's making you unhappy instead. Avoiding you. Coz I'm afraid that something I say might make things worse. Don't know what to do.

I don't know. Why am I so reckless this time? For all the girls I came across from then till now, I've juz tried half-heartedly and the fortress is always that safe place that I've built. And to think that I've actually torn it down and the rumbles hurt myself and someone else I cared about. I thought, maybe I should write 100 things about her, maybe then if I can think of 100 things, maybe it would mean that she's important to me. Yet, the more I write, the more I think, the more I reflect and the more I realise, that maybe I'm causing her more hurt, unhappiness and problems than the happiness that I thought could give.

If I could, I would wish that I appeared in her life before that someone broke her heart and be true to her, protect her, love her and cherish her but, now, I guess I can only quietly fade back into that background I came from. How ironical that I start out that 100 things task with the hope of making it into a small book and give it to her, hoping that she'll be touched and maybe I might stand a chance or so but, it made me see how selfish I am and convinced myself that I'm not even worthy.

I'm tired. There's a part of me that's hidden in the fortress that's tired and perhaps wishing someone would come along and bring away those tiredness. But I really don't know. I was never good a handling human relationships. Afraid of moving too close, afraid that I might not be able to control my own heart. That's why I built that fortress, keep that distance.

I don't know what the future holds for me but thanks for making me special, even if that's was juz my own dillusion. I'll still be that friend by you side should you need one but, don't worry about me. Time will sort me out, like it always did. Haha... Thanks and sorry, J. =

Interesting sites to visit when you search "Meaning of Life" in google.

Always thought that religion is for the weak-minded, for those who need something to rely on mentally. I thought I never needed one. After reading some of the text in those sites, the word "Gaia" juz struck my mind. Gaia, the great spirit of Earth, as those who believed named her. Juz remembered the movie "Final Fantasy The Movie". Maybe I'm reading too much into my emotions, I'm too in touch with them. I'm juz a vessel collecting experiences as I journeyed in my living moments and when I'm die, these vast amount of experiences will return to Gaia, enriching her. There's no good or bad emotions. Not if I feel them from a third person's POV. Let those emotions, feelings and thoughts pass by like data, like those I read from the books. At that instance, I feel that because of the uncertainty principle of particles movement in my brain. To never attach to anything, only then will I be functioning more efficiently. I'm juz a data recorder.

Last chance I'm giving myself. if i can't complete the given task, then it's that path that I'll set foot on.

Playing bball at 1230pm under the scorching sun certainly is tirring. Shooting balls, attempting to dunk (which failed as usual). Brings me back to the J2 period where I was at the period of lowest point in life and needed something that I can devote all my attention and energy in. National Schools was around the corner and so, I juz trained everyday after sch. And for the first time in my life, my tears came out not for someone, but after the whistle was blown for the end of the game and we advanced to the 2nd tier. Coz no one believed that NJC could make it to the 2nd round. I did. Maybe not everyone but those who did work hard for it.

Realised that those people whom know me, understand me well are those whom have walked the bball path with me. It's on the court you get to know the character of someone well. Who's the one who'll hustle till he gets the ball. Who's the one who's always playing half-heartedly. Who's the one you can rely on at the crucial moments. Who are the team of people you can trust totally to play their parts.

Realised how slack my style has became. Play for fun, for the joy of it? You gotta be kidding me, Jh. Everyone plays to win. Winning will double the joy, double the fun. Even if you lose, the process of trying to win, knowing where you're lousy at and after which train harder to win, is fun. Winning is the key. It's something that you put in effort and time, you'll see results.

Time to get a new pair of sneakers. The old pair stinks and is already torn beyond redemption.

Happy April Fools Day, and I juz happened to be the biggest fool.

It's funny how I actually been in this big joke that I've planned for myself all along and made a fool of myself. Flawless plot, when it started with an alright scene. I didn't even suspect anything from the start. How funny that last night while I was trying to sleep, millions of thoughts, flashbacks, sounds, etc, flooded my mind in a short instance before I got knock out into lala land.

Maybe Fate is trying to show me the other path to take, planting obstacles to make me fall, eat dirt in this road I'm taking to tell me to take the other way. And she's the last piece on the chessboard for the final checkmate. And strangely, I thought I would feel something break but nothing. Juz a mixture of anger and disappointment at my own foolishness and for believing in those "Ideals". Gut feelings, instincts, all are juz bulllshit. Hello dude, you're not living in Jin Yong's Novels.

Resolve. This time I'm keeping it away for good.

I'll let the other Jh run my life for a while.